Quid Pro Quo
by aki.ari
Summary: A mishap with innocence ends with two unlikely lovers. A month later after returning from a mission, the Order is agahst to find that Allen has become a rather conservative gentleman, his smile no longer gracing the halls of the Black Order. Yullen
1. Prologue

**Warning: explicit sexual content between males**

**Prologue**

They had never been on what one would call _good_ terms. They couldn't talk to each other without breaking into an argument or bickering like a couple of old hens. Even so Kanda was always watching out for Allen and vice versa. When in battle the stoic samurai would assure Allen that he'd sooner let him die than compromise the mission, but even so he couldn't help the concern he felt for the younger boy and always found himself rushing to his aid.

He really did hate it. That when it came to Allen he often thought with his heart rather than with his head. This to the proud samurai was unacceptable. But that thought didn't do anything to deter him from his instinctual need to protect the snowy haired exorcist.

Somehow, this already dizzying relationship was doomed to become more complicated.

Once again partnered for a mission the two found themselves stuck in a rather unfavorable situation, courtesy of some very damnable innocence. In keeping with the recent string of odd occurrences in Amiens, France, Allen and Kanda found themselves trapped in the confessional of a rather sizeable cathedral. The narrow spaced did little for their conflicting egos and even less for their quickly diminishing patience.

"_What the hell is your problem?" Kanda snapped when Allen put a hand over his to stop him from unsheathing Mugen. _

"_You can't go swinging that thing around in here, you'll kill us both," Allen snapped._

"_I'm going to cut the damn door open," Kanda hissed his annoyance, "so move or I'll cut right through you." _

"_You can't damage the confessional!" Allen said quickly, "we'll be flogged…or something."_

"_So you want to stay trapped inside this stupid box?" Kanda scoffed "the innocence isn't going to get bored with screwing around with people coming to confess their sins. Were you even listening when that damn scientist explained the mission?" _

"_Of course I was listening BaKanda," Allen grumbled as he shifted as far to the side as possible, brushing against Kanda in the movement. The navy haired male made a couple slashes at the door but nothing happened._

"_It's indestructible," Allen muttered dully at the new found information, not missing the string of profanities to fall from Kanda's mouth as he sheathed Mugen, much to Allen's relief._

After that the two could only wait. This particular piece of innocence seemed to take pleasure in trapping people when they go to confess their sins and would subsequently provoke rather sinful urges within them – Komui surmised that it brought out the darker sins that they weren't willing to confess. Only when that offense marring the person's soul was freed, would they be allowed to leave.

The two exorcists had not known what was going to happen, Allen had assumed his sin had something to do with Mana, after all what else could there be. Kanda on the other hand felt no inclination to believe in such things. He lived the way he did as a means for maintain a sense of sanity, bearing in mind the knowledge of what he was, and that he really didn't give a damn about the so called _God_ that the Order was fighting for. So when the older male had suddenly felt his mind being twisted by images of his younger partner sprawled out beneath him, gorgeous skin fully exposed to him, Kanda released a very appropriate, _oh shit._

_Calloused hands caught around slim wrists, pulling the smaller boy into his lap, earning a startled yelp. _

"_Kanda what the bloody hell are you do-" Allen flushed an inhuman shade of red as lips pressed against his, a tongue delving swiftly past his lips. If the shock hadn't been enough, the onslaught of unfamiliar but very pleasant sensations had thrown Allen's mind for a loop._

_Pulling away Kanda smirked. Despite the displeasure at being spurred into doing this by the innocence and the string of profanities streaming through his mind he couldn't help but feel satisfied at the response he'd gotten. Pulling Allen closer, Kanda licked up the pulse along his neck slowly._

"_Oh God, Kanda stop that," Allen groaned as the hands that had been holding him at the shoulders, slid down to his waist, parting the exorcist coat the boy wore in the process. _

"_Why should I?" Kanda asked voice heady with lust. _

"_Kanda, it's the innocence or something. Remember it brings out si-nnarghah," Allen's eyes rolled back in pleasure as a pressure settled itself on his hardening arousal._

"_You're enjoying it," Kanda mumbled "and it's not like you have anything better to do while we're stuck in here." Allen shivered as the sultry tone embraced him, drawing sweet circles over his skin and wafting wispy trails of unholy promise into his mind. _

_Dizzy with pleasure that Allen didn't know was possible to experience he leaned his forehead against Kanda's shoulder, panting and moaning softly as hands that he'd never seen touch anything with as much care as now, caressed him. It made him feel euphoric; never having dreamed that being touched could have felt so good. _

"_Utsukushi," Kanda breathed as he pressed a trail of light kisses along Allen's chest as he worked the buttons on his shirt open, steadily moving further and further south. _

"_Kan-nghah what-" Allen gasped as a hand dipped into his pants and through glazed silver eyes he observed the older male as he turned them, so that Allen was sitting on the small wooden bench and he was kneeling in front of him. _

"_It means beautiful," Kanda smirked as he produced Allen's erection from the boy's pants, observing the gorgeously vivid embarrassment that painted the boy's cheeks._

"_No, what are you doing?" Allen's eyes went wide once he registered what Kanda's intention was, clamping his legs shut, hands shooting down to cover himself. _

"_I believe that's obvious baka Moyashi," Kanda said as he pried Allen's legs apart and slid forward so that he was in between the boy's legs. Calloused hands on his thighs made Allen stiffen as he averted his gaze, the older male licking the hands that still covered his erection. _

"_Move your hands." The command was firm and husky, and though every sensible thought in Allen's mind screamed at him to do the exact opposite, Allen found himself complying, once his gaze had locked with Kanda's._

"_Good boy," Kanda whispered, breath ghosting over the boy's erection as he took the organ into his mouth, indescribably pleased with the reaction he received – pale body jerking, hands gripping the edge of the bench in an iron grip and teeth biting into a swollen bottom lip in attempts to reign in the sound that wanted to erupt from his small body. _

_The older male wanted to hear the boy's bliss, wanted to witness the wild abandon that would shatter all preconceptions of the young exorcist and replace them with only a raw, unbridled image of Allen in his very essence. Sucking harder and moving his tongue in teasing little circles around Allen's slit; Kanda earned himself a beautiful scream when he nipped at the sensitive flesh. _

_The coil in Allen's stomach continued to wind tighter and tighter and he felt as though he was going to explode, wood splintering under his grip Allen came, semen filling Kanda's mouth and dribbling down his lips and chin. _

_Cobalt eyes looked up in thorough amusement at the horrified look on the boy's face after he'd come down from his high._

"_Perhaps you should make use of this confessional," Kanda teased wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, "forgive me father for I have sinned, and all that shit. I got off on a guy defiling me in a holy place."_

"_Kanda!" Allen sputtered indignantly as he composed himself, "what the hell is wrong with you?"_

"_Che, wouldn't you like to know," Kanda smirked as he captured Allen's lips in a crushing kiss, Allen's mouth being plundered by a tongue that was still laced in his essence. _

In Allen's mind he did just as Kanda had suggested, though it had been meant as a joke. The sin was written across both of their faces and in every exchange of words and glances between the two. Allen had begged his forgiveness, but not for what he'd just done – what Kanda had just done to him. He asked forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings that had been stirred the moment Kanda had kissed him, and for the way he wished that the act hadn't been meaningless and was somehow brought about by real feelings that he could reciprocate.

Once confessed, the door to the confessional opened and a blushing nun asked if the two were alright. Relieved to be free but embarrassed beyond belief Allen wondered if everyone in the vicinity had heard his cries. When they'd entered the cathedral there hadn't been a soul inside but now several people were scattered about the pews praying. Kanda ignored the woman and quickly ducked in the side where the priest would usually sit, finding the innocence embedded into the intricate woodworking about the partition.

Pulling the innocence from the wood Kanda grabbed Allen's hand and pulled the still apologizing boy towards the exit with him. He hadn't wanted to stick around for anyone to see the damage he'd done to the confessional. He had been on many missions before and had come to the conclusion that people weren't all too happy when things were damaged during the innocence retrieval.

Back at the inn, innocence safely stowed away in Allen's golden golem, the two said nothing as they retired to their rooms for the night. A couple hours into their isolation Allen arrived at Kanda's door, with a soft knock and the resolve to speak with the male about what had happened earlier, it was a surprise to Allen when Kanda answered the door, hair damp and clinging to his exposed chest as if he'd just come out of the shower. All of the thoughts flew from Allen's head as he launched himself at the older male, tackling him to the ground with a fierce impassioned kiss.

Not complaining, Kanda had returned the gesture and soon the two were ruffling some sheets in what was chalked up to be _residual lust_. When morning broke and found the two a tangle of limbs strewn across the covers, Kanda had simply smirked while Allen tried to keep himself from blushing. He was embarrassed but that was not so much due to the fact that he'd lost his virginity to a man, under the influence of innocence but to the fact that he had initiated the tousle the night before and that he didn't regret it as much as he was sure he should have.

Once cleaned up the two had headed to their scheduled train back to headquarters. The mission being over and things seemingly back to normal had left a complex relationship with a new twist that was impossible to ignore.

* * *

A/N: So I haven't really been able to work on my writing much, the first week of classes was hectic and I already have quite the list of things to do for this week's classes. The readings were easy (a couple hundred pages in total) the thing I'm nervous about is my first bio lab, which I have to do prep for before Wednesday.

Anyway, this is the prologue for my most recent story. I started writing and then about a two thousand words into the fic, I decided that some back story was needed and thus the prologue was produced. I can't say as to when the story will be up but hopefully it'll be out before the end of this month.

Anyway thanks to anyone whose read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


	2. Chapter 1

**Quid Pro Quo**

"Brat's supposed to be back today right?" Kanda asked, regretting the question the moment Lavi's eye brightened as if thoroughly amused.

"Yeah," Lavi said grinning "since when are you keeping tabs on Allen, huh Yuu?"

"Shut up it's not like that," Kanda said scowling as he set down his teacup.

"Hmmm, so what _is_ it like then?" Lavi asked, a mischievous look sparkling in his emerald eyes.

"Baka Usagi, it's nothing," Kanda growled.

"Alright," Lavi sighed in defeat "he got back earlier; went straight to his room as I hear it. The mission must've really taken a lot out of him this time, what with the finder dying and running into the Earl."

'Damn brat is probably brooding all now,' Kanda thought frowning. Without another word Kanda stood and stalked out of the cafeteria leaving a genuinely surprised Lavi behind.

'Now what is going on here?' Lavi wondered a smirk forming on his features.

xXx

Kanda made his way to Allen's room, a knot tightening in his stomach as his mind conjured up millions of things that could have gone wrong when Allen had encountered the Earl. It wasn't like Allen couldn't take care of himself; on the contrary he'd proven on more than one occasion to be a skilled fighter and a valued asset to the Order because of his prowess in battle.

Knocking on the door, Kanda frowned when he was met with silence. Trying the handle he found it to be unlocked and ventured inside. The room was dark and Allen was asleep – which wouldn't have been odd if the boy had been on his bed.

"Oi Moyashi," Kanda said shaking Allen lightly to rouse him, "you too tired to make it a couple more inches to your bed or are you just too out of it to realize that the floor isn't your bed?"

"Kanda, what do you want?" Allen asked groggily as he sat up to look at the older male.

"Nothing," Kanda said "why are you on the floor?"

"I felt like it," Allen shrugged "if there's nothing else can you please leave." Kanda's brows furrowed as he studied Allen's expression. It was strange; Allen seemed so calm and reserved, albeit a bit annoyed with having been woken up.

'Something is off-' Kanda paused mid-thought as he realized that Allen hadn't smiled stupidly in greeting like always, even if it was the fake smile that he found all too easy to see through – the boy's face was completely impassive.

"You okay?" Kanda asked, concern masked by hardened curiosity.

"Kanda, I have another mission in a couple of hours and I'm really tired," Allen said "if you don't need anything from me I'd appreciate if you left me alone." The dismissive tone and the lack of expression on Allen's face unnerved Kanda but he said nothing else, leaving the white haired boy to return to his nap. Something was off with Allen's demeanour. That much was clear. Even so he brushed it off as what Allen had said – fatigue.

What did he care anyway? It wasn't like the mission had changed _much_ between them. They were lovers now, yes, but what Allen did was still none of his business. They hadn't discussed any of their nightly escapades as being more than just physical, and though he did worry, Kanda knew better than to stick his nose where it didn't belong – namely in other people's problems, even if it so happened to be _his_ little Moyashi.

xXx

"Allen!" Lenalee called as she ran up behind him at the docks, "you're already going on another mission?"

"Evidently," Allen said before stepping into the small gondola-like boat offering his hand to help Lenalee in like any proper gentleman would, "I take it you're also heading out now."

"Yes," Lenalee smiled as she took the offered help into the boat, taking a seat as Allen pushed off from the docks with the oar. "I was wondering if you're alright, you seem a bit out of sorts."

"I'm fine, thank you," Allen replied though his trademark smile never graced his features.

"Is it really something you can't tell me about?" Lenalee asked sadly as she took in the unreadable expression and the dull sheen over once bright silver eyes.

"There's nothing wrong," Allen assured. Amethyst eyes reflected concern even as Lenalee smiled and nodded without pushing the subject further.

xXx

It was another three days before Allen was back to the Order again. His mission had gone by without a hitch, which he was thoroughly grateful for. But where he normally brought smiles and hope where he went, there was only a dull void. It was as if that previous glowing smile simply didn't exist anymore.

Other than his rather subdued and apathetic attitude nothing much had changed. He still regarded everyone politely, and he still ordered enough food to feed a dozen grown men per meal. Not to mention that his normal daily routine didn't change: wake up, breakfast, train, lunch, disappear to who knows where with Timcanpy, dinner and all the random interactions with his colleagues in between.

This morning was no different, after breakfast, Allen politely excused himself before heading to the training halls. An emerald eye followed him to the cafeteria doors with a twitch.

"Ahh! I can't take it anymore!" Lavi exclaimed in exasperation, slamming his hands on the table as he stood.

"Well it is strange isn't it?" Krory said frowning a bit at the way his younger friend had been acting as of late, "Allen isn't usually like this."

"True, Allen hasn't smiled since he got back from that mission a couple of weeks ago," Miranda said, a solemn expression on her face. Allen was kind to her, the first person, aside from Lenalee to ever thank her and make her feel as though she had a purpose. As such, she found herself observing them more carefully than anyone else in the Order and had been among the first to notice Allen's change of behaviour.

"He's still polite and the perfect gentleman but he's so reserved," Lenalee sighed, amethyst eyes looking down sadly, "it's hard to believe it's him."

"Perfect gentleman? He's always so curt with everyone," Lavi frowned as he plopped back onto the bench, deflated from his outburst, "and the pleasantries are almost cold, like there're no emotions behind them."

Off to the side a pair of cobalt eyes darkened as he listened to the conversation, having finished his meal he took this moment as his cue to leave before the idiot redhead decided to drag him into the conversation.

Once in the hall, Kanda debated on whether to confront Allen about his behaviour or to just grab him and screw him into the wall. After much deliberation the male decided that he could do both, if after a bout of sexual gratification, the boy was still a blank page, he'd talk to him about it then. Setting his course for the training hall, where Kanda assumed Allen would be at this time of day, he set about wondering over the next troubling question: whether to take Allen right then and there in the training hall, or drag him back to his room. A smirk lit the navy haired male's features at the thought as he hastened his stride.

xXx

Allen hadn't done much before he began to feel a familiar fatigue tugging on his consciousness. Cutting his training short he figured he could take a quick shower and then a long nap before being briefed on his next mission. What he hadn't planned on was to see his navy haired lover standing outside of the training hall, seemingly having been about to open the door.

"Oi Moyashi, come with me," Kanda said grabbing Allen's wrist and dragging him away from the training hall doors.

"Eh?" Allen made a small sound of disapproval but allowed the navy haired samurai to lead him away. Once they had stopped Allen realized he was standing in front of Kanda's room. The door was opened, he was tugged inside and the door was closed again, which he only noted because he was slammed up against it once the lock had clicked into place.

Before Allen could say anything, lips pressed against his eliciting a small gasp. Immediately Allen felt himself falling, expression softening as he responded to the tongue exploring his mouth. Kanda broke away, smirking at the flattering pink flush on Allen's cheeks.

"Welcome home brat," Kanda whispered against the boy's ear.

"Uh huh," Allen answered rather airily as he leaned his forehead against Kanda's shoulder to stop the dizzy spell from the intense desire he'd felt rolling off of Kanda.

"Last time you brushed me off," Kanda said, a dark lilt to his voice as he licked the shell of Allen's ear. Drunken on the power he felt over the boy, Kanda smirked as Allen shuddered against him.

"Kanda, wha-ahh!" Allen yelped as Kanda nipped at the soft flesh of his neck.

"Everyone's been talking about you lately. They're saying that you're impassive. That you haven't been acting like yourself," Kanda whispered as he trailed his hands up under Allen's shirt, "let's see if I can't fix that."

Silver eyes widened as Allen let out a scream of pleasure as he felt a tingling from where the older male's nails raked gently against his flesh and Kanda bit lightly at a particularly pert nipple.

"Hmm seems like they were wrong," Kanda smirked as he rid Allen of his shirt, "you still scream like always."

"Kan-" Allen was silenced by lips crushing against his, breath once again stolen from him. He didn't know how it was that Kanda could shatter every defence he'd put into place with a single kiss. That was all it took to have him blushing and glassy eyed.

"So responsive," Kanda smirked as Allen arched into the hand slipping past the hem of his pants. Allen responded by hooking his arms behind Kanda's neck, drawing himself closer and relieving some of the pressure off his trembling legs.

"Kanda," Allen moaned breathily as the older male hoisted him up against the wall, pale legs instinctively wrapping around Kanda's waist to keep from falling. Pressing into the hard length in Kanda's pants Allen began to gyrate his hips, revelling in the friction and releasing small mewls of pleasure as Kanda carried him over to the bed, easing him onto the covers as if he were something fragile that would break if dropped.

Allen had to say that Kanda was an odd lover, sometimes it was hard and over almost too quickly, and other times he was gentle in all his ministrations, coaxing out the soft sounds from Allen that shot electricity straight to his cock. Allen didn't mind, but he'd not wanted the slow and gentle caresses now, not while he was trying his darnedest not to lose himself.

'Simply gorgeous,' Kanda thought as he stripped Allen, taking in every inch of his creamy flesh with his desire filled cobalt gaze.

A series of soft mewls met Kanda's ears as he trailed kisses over the exposed flesh of Allen's torso and down to the boy's arousal.

"Did you miss this?" Kanda asked as he looked up into dazed silver eyes.

"I missed _you_," Allen murmured, though he regretted it immediately afterwards, biting his tongue as if hoping to take it back, red painting his cheeks to his ears. Kanda paused, taken aback by the confession and felt his heart swell.

Leaning up, Kanda captured Allen's lips in a lengthy and passionate kiss, tongue tracing the boy's bottom lip asking for entrance. Allen easily complied, moaning softly as Kanda's tongue slipped past his lips, running against his tongue and tasting him fully. There was something powerful and intoxicating about Kanda, that Allen just couldn't get enough of. Hesitantly he moved his tongue against Kanda's, feeling the older male smirk contentedly before pulling away.

"You taste good," Kanda breathed huskily as he took in the sweet aroma wafting off Allen's body. Silver eyes sought out cobalt as he pushed himself into a sitting position. Kanda watching curiously as Allen's nimble fingers undid the top two buttons of Kanda's shirt and slid his hands under the fabric at his waist, palms flat against his searing skin as he lifted the article of clothing over the older male's head, careful to avoid getting any of the strands of navy silk to catch in the buttons.

Kanda felt his pride stoked as Allen's hands rested against his chest, a look of adoration in those gem-like pools. Silver eyes traced the man's chest roaming over the inky tendrils that stretched across the firm flesh, trembling with anticipation as he felt the warmth and strength emanating from Kanda. The beating heart pulsing beneath Allen's fingers gave the boy a tingle of pleasure.

"Moyashi," Kanda groaned as Allen's weight settled in his lap.

"I...can I..." Allen blushed as he looked away, only for a calloused hand to turn his face back.

"What is it?" Kanda asked as he gently stroked his thumb over the crimson scar from just under Allen's eye to where it tapered off at the end.

"Taste...can I taste you?"

A smile tugged at the corners of Kanda's mouth as he nodded and reclined against the bed. Cobalt followed every shift of Allen's body as the boy slid Kanda's pants off his hips, freeing the man's erection. Allen pressed his lips to the tip, eyes taking in the pleasured expression that Kanda bore as he watched his length disappear between Allen's lips.

"Oh God yes," Kanda growled as the warm orifice engulfed him, mind going fuzzy with pleasure. Allen's heart beat increased as he rested his hands on Kanda's thighs, feeling the raw power that Kanda represented, drinking him in slowly and bringing him to the pinnacle of pleasure. A tightening in Kanda's gut told him he wasn't going to last much longer and lifted Allen's chin to face him.

Kanda brought Allen up into a kiss as he shifted their positions, lining up at Allen's entrance. The pale boy gasped as Kanda pressed into him, slowly sinking into the tight heat. Allen bit his lip to restrain the slight whimper of pain as he clung to Kanda.

Once fully sheathed in Allen, Kanda began a steady pace, revelling in the heat contracting around him.

"Kanda," Allen breathed as he rocked into each one of the older male's thrusts, a yelp escaping him as Kanda hit his prostate, patches of white bursting in his vision as he trembled from the sensation. A coil tightened in Allen's stomach as Kanda's thrusts became shaky, clearly at his breaking point. Another deep thrust rammed against Allen's prostate and tipped him over the edge, pearly white liquids painting their stomachs. Kanda came right after, the contractions of Allen's muscles being too much to withstand as he hugged the boy flush against him and emptied his seed in Allen's ass.

Fully sated and panting, Kanda rolled over to the side to keep from crushing Allen as he pulled the small body against his. They lay in silence, like all the other times, and Kanda felt a wave of calm pass over him as he felt Allen curl against him, eyelids drooping shut as sleep claimed his snowy haired lover.

xXx

Something was seriously off with Allen. Since they'd woken up the boy seemed distant, for lack of a better term. He didn't smile and his tone, though light, held no actual bearing. It was as though Allen had flipped a switch on his emotions and they were once again lying dormant.

Anger began to build in Kanda as Allen stood and began to gather his clothes, not even sparing Kanda a glance. Hands balling into fists Kanda stood up closing the space between him and the smaller boy. Nonchalant silver eyes met his as Allen pulled his boxers up.

A punch to the face caught Allen off guard as he found himself cradling the aching cheek.

"Quit hiding from me!" Kanda snapped.

"I'm not hiding," Allen said stiffly as he rubbed at his throbbing cheek which was beginning to bare a rather violent red tint.

"Then why is it that when I break that mask of yours, you play it off like its nothing and then put it back up when you think I'm not looking?" Kanda asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about Kanda," Allen sighed seemingly uninterested as he continued to dress himself.

"Is that so?" Kanda hissed arrogantly, "well then I'll just take you now. You'll scream and fall apart over and over for me and then that beautiful flush will fade and you'll be all cold as if you're some kind of whore and your job is done."

"Kanda!"

"What? Don't like how it sounds?" Kanda growled, "trust me, it feels much worse on my end."

Allen was silent as he ached to play the white knight for him. The thing about masks is that if you wear them long enough people never recognize you when you take it off.

"Say something," Kanda demanded.

"I have another mission that I need to be briefed on," Allen said turning his gaze away from Kanda, hand on the door.

"Che," the older male scoffed as he watched the boy go. In what fucked up world, was he the one the snowy haired exorcist walked away from? And in what warped existence did Allen wear such an apathetic expression?

xXx

Allen sighed as he stepped off the dock into the gondola. He was growing tired off all this, his memory was beginning to fade just as the Earl had told him, he didn't know what he'd become but he couldn't afford to give up yet.

A swish of navy hair passed him, Kanda snatching up the oar as if Allen wasn't even there.

"Kanda what are you-" Allen was cut off by a flick to the forehead. Cobalt eyes settled on Allen darkly, reflecting arrogance and annoyance, and dare he consider, possible flecks of concern?

"You didn't think I'd let you off on your own again when you can't seem to stay out of trouble did you?" Kanda asked cocking a brow as he smirked.

"It's just another mission. I don't need your help," Allen said, not allowing his surprise to show on his face.

"Che," Kanda scoffed, "keep shitting yourself and maybe one day it'll become a reality."

xXx

The mission was simple; then again it was always simple until they actually embarked on it. All they had to do was get the innocence that was causing the perpetual daytime in the small farming village. Another strange and unnatural happening brought about by untamed power.

Things had been going well, no akuma to speak of, the finders had narrowed down a couple locations that seemed likely to be housing the innocence and there were no casualties. Even so, Kanda couldn't get over his growing frustration with Allen's callous attitude – it was far too disturbing a concept. No pleasantries were offered as the snowy haired exorcist went about the investigation with a cold air. Even the villagers seemed put off by the hollow voice addressing them with questions.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kanda snapped as he pinned Allen to the wall with a piercing glare. It had been a long day, and he couldn't help but feel that whatever was causing Allen to act the way he'd been acting was eating him up inside, and he didn't want the boy to continue suffering alone – to hell with not getting involved in people's problems.

"Damn it Kanda, just stop okay," Allen said a slight hint of exasperation in his tone as he turned his gaze away from the older male, "what I do and how I act when I'm not in your bed is none of your business."

Kanda's expression darkened, cobalt eye hardening in silent fury at Allen's statement. There was no way in hell Allen Walker was capable of words like that. No fucking way that those sweet lips could be so cruel and biting. He couldn't take it anymore, everything could be shot to hell for all he cared right now, he just had to get away; he'd kill Allen if he had to look at him for a second longer like this.

"Che fine," Kanda huffed as he turned on his heel and stormed towards the door. Silver eyes followed the fuming male past the door frame, but he didn't make to follow, nor did he cringe from the force with which Kanda had slammed the door.

_I know you feel it Allen Walker, you're already begging to slip away. Be careful the friends you hold so dear don't get burned by your Noah._

The Earl had been right; this was how it had to be.

xXx

'Damn him,' Kanda thought swinging Mugen in a violently precise arch as he tried to calm down. If he didn't release some of his frustrations things weren't looking so well for their future. He'd lose Allen if he couldn't reign in his emotions. That was one thing he hated about the smaller boy, his ability to render all his years of training useless, and bring out violent reactions – irrational, maddening emotions.

"He's so unreasonable isn't he?" a female voice caught Kanda's attention as he turned to meet golden eyes belonging to none other than the Dreams of Noah.

"What the fuck do you want, Noah?" Kanda growled as he pointed Mugen towards her. Neither interested nor bothered by the weapon she grinned, hopping down from the tree branch she'd been perched on to face Kanda directly.

"That's no way to greet someone," she said, voice rife with amusement, "I _was_ heading over to see Allen but thanks to you I'll just have him come to me." Cobalt eyes narrowed as Kanda braced himself for an attack. But he'd never fought her before and as devious gold clashed with stormy cobalt, he felt his mind going numb and then his vision blurred to black.

"I can see why he likes you," Rhode said darkly as one of her largely decorative doors appeared and she pulled Kanda into her conjured world. "Your darkness stretches deep past the surface, perfect for him to drown in."

xXx

Bleary cobalt cracked open, blinking to focus his vision on the twisted cartoon world surrounding him. Grey walls and a lone window peering out to a pastel blue sky and puffy white marshmallow clouds registered in his hazy thoughts as he began wondering what the hell was going on.

"Oh good, you're up," a sickeningly cheerful voice reached his ears as the spiky haired Lolita girl popped up in front of him. As cobalt met gold, Kanda recalled the events just before he'd blacked out. Cursing he tried to move only to grunt as narrow strips of what felt like wire bit into his skin.

"I wouldn't move if I were you," Rhode grinned as she pet Kanda over the head, only for him to violently jerk away, causing the binds wrapped around his body to cut into him.

"What-" Kanda grimaced, the wire around his neck making it difficult to talk.

"Those wires are made from dark matter," Rhode said, "the slightest movement will cause you pain, so there's no chance of escape. By the way, you're in my dream world, and here you'll stay until Allen comes for you."

"He's an idiot, but he's not stupid enough to not realize this is a trap," Kanda snarled, wincing again as the wires dug into his throat. Kanda groaned as he felt warmth trailing its liquid length down his neck – he was bleeding, the wire having nicked lines into his flesh, the scarlet liquid beading along the parted skin before rolling down like morbid tears.

"True, but he will still come," Rhode said shrugging, completely unconcerned with Kanda's words.

"No he won't, he's got a stick up his ass. He probably won't even think twice about me being gone," Kanda snapped as he recalled the cold and frighteningly distant gaze in Allen's eyes before he'd left.

"Why are you lying? You know as well as I do that he's more than willing to walk directly into any trap so long as someone's life was on the line," Rhode said, lips twisting up into a sadistic grin, "especially if it's for you. He'd give his life if it meant your freedom and safety."

Kanda was silent as he felt sick at the thought of Allen having to come to his rescue, and of whatever the boy might suffer because of it.

"How I envy you," Rhode pouted "I can only get a date out of him by forcing his hand. He goes to you willingly _begging_ to be hurt."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kanda asked.

"If you insist on moving, at least try not to bleed to death before he gets here," Rhode said, "after all this trouble it'd be a shame if I didn't get to see the expression he makes while his lover gasps his last breaths, don't you think?"

"I asked you a question," Kanda snarled.

"He's been broken for far too long to believe he's worthy of being loved. And as I understand it, what you two have has only been physical," Rhode said as if she were explaining something trivial and plainly obvious to a small child. "In other words, he goes to you over and over, killing himself, losing himself to you while he revels in those empty acts, knowing damn well that you'll never love him. It's rather piteous isn't it? Just makes you want to hurt him more doesn't it?"

"You're sick," Kanda growled, thoroughly disgusted with the Noah. But his anger was far from directed solely at her, also pointing towards himself as guilt began to gnaw at him from the slivers of truth in the Noah's words. Kanda had never tried to make their relationship anything more than just sex. He had initiated it during that mission in France, had been the one to fall to his knees and violate the boy without ever saying anything meaningful. It _hadn't_ been a game to him, though in all appearance it would seem as though he didn't give a shit about the smaller boy.

"So what are you Kanda, the pot or the kettle?" Rhode said slightly amused with the dark aura to settle over the young samurai. With a shrug in response to his silence, she conjured a door and made towards is, pausing as she noted the contemplative look to settle into the male's features.

"I'm actually surprised though," she said sparing a glance back at the bloody exorcist, "that you couldn't see what you were doing to him."

Kanda mentally cursed as the Dreams of Noah disappeared through a conjured door. His damn pride was what kept him from admitting to caring for the boy. He felt those emotions despite his years of strict training, and it bothered him. In his unwillingness to concede to the feelings Allen evoked in him, he had simply neglected to think of how their relationship must seem like to the smaller boy.

Sure he'd called the boy out on acting like a whore – a decent show and then emotionless once the fucking was over. But in all seriousness he was the one who would have made Allen feel that way. He'd not only taunted and teased him about the first time he'd sucked Allen off in the confessional, but when Allen had come to him that night with adoration in his glimmering moonlight eyes, Kanda had felt no inhibitions as he took him. They didn't confide in each other, hell they didn't even eat together, it was either training or fucking, and more often than not, the morning after one of their tousles Kanda would have already left for his training, leaving Allen to wake up alone.

If anything Kanda felt as though he deserved this cold Allen. The sweet, naive boy he'd taken for granted was drowning in the countless problems he must be facing and...

'God I'm so selfish,' Kanda thought, and he would have laughed had he the strength in him to do so.

xXx

Silver eyes darted around the small clearing he'd recalled passing by with Kanda earlier that day. It was a perfect place, just out of the way and spacious enough to swing a sword about. Allen knew Kanda often trained to relieve tension and when he'd stormed out, he had been sure the male was just about ready to snap under the pressure.

A frown turned the corners of Allen's lips as he found the clearing to be empty, only soft indents in the grass where the young samurai would have been moving about on.

'Kanda,' Allen thought with a sigh. He just wanted to apologize. He'd waited an hour fussing over the way Kanda had gotten angry with him, how the male clearly worried and how he had simply brushed him off with cold words and a blank expression. He wished he could have just pulled back up his mask and kept pretending like he was happy and confident, but the figure in his memory – the man in the clown suit he had once considered father – his face was blurred and Allen couldn't remember how to play the part of the entertainer.

A prodding at Allen's cheek drew him from his thoughts as he turned his attention to the golden golem perched upon his shoulder.

"You couldn't find him either?" Allen asked and sighed as Timcanpy shook its head, nuzzling against Allen's cheek in a comforting manner.

"What are you looking for Allen?" a sadistically sweet voice carried on the breeze reached Allen's ears and found his cold pools of hardened silver glaring towards the source of the voice.

"Rhode, what do you want?" Allen asked.

"Nothing much," she replied grinning as she hopped off the branch she had been standing on to land in front of Allen, "perhaps I can help you find whatever it is you're looking for." Allen stiffened at the offer and instantly he knew the reason why he and Tim had been unable to locate the navy haired man.

"You...where is he?" Allen glowered.

"Where is who?" Rhode asked in mock innocence.

"I'm not interested in playing your games right now, where is Kanda?" Allen asked the air being choked by a murderous aura, oppressive and near tangible.

"What makes you think I have him?" Rhode asked, excitement shining in her golden eyes at the fury radiating from Allen's form. Allen invoked his innocence, a deadly look in his silver eyes, something that didn't belong to the snowy haired boy – something that was far darker and crueller.

"Calm down Allen," Rhode said feeling her heart race at the devilish look adorning the gorgeous features of her obsession, "I'll give him back to you but you have to do something for me first."

"What?" Allen asked visibly calming, though he remained acutely aware of his surroundings.

"Date," Rhode said simply as she leaned forward and pecked Allen on the cheek, "go on a date with me and I'll give him back to you."

Allen stiffened, hands clenching into fists at his sides before giving a curt nod and deactivating his innocence. Grabbing her hand, Allen tugged her towards the main street of the town. There was no time to waste fussing over the idiocy of Rhode's request; the faster he got this over with the sooner he could get Kanda out of whatever hell he'd been subjected to.

xXx

"Allen, your tea is getting cold," Rhode said as she tipped her own cup to her lips. After going all over the small village, walking in an out of shops and lazing about gazing at the clouds, Rhode chattering incessantly all the while, they came to a small tea house.

"How long are you going to draw this out, tell me where he is," Allen huffed not sparing a glance at the cup of tea she had ordered for him. He had gone along with the girl on her whimsical idea of a date without complaint, but the sun was beginning to set and with the day drawing to a close, Allen's patience had already weathered away.

"You're on a date with me!" Rhode snapped angrily, "look only at me!"

"You've had your fun Rhode," Allen hissed, "stop playing with me and tell me where Kanda is." Their outburst had managed to draw quite the audience and with an irritated grimace Allen paid the bill and dragged the girl outside.

"I can be more to you than he ever could!" Rhode yelled, the sadistic smile no where to be seen as she seemed to be genuinely pleading with Allen. "He won't choose you Allen! He'd never choose you!"

"I don't care," Allen bit out roughly. He already knew that. It was more than obvious to him that Kanda could never love him. The male seemed to tolerate him well enough and they shared in sexual gratification, which was something Allen had never sought from anyone other than the Japanese male. But for what he was – what he'd soon be – Kanda could never love him. A vile despicable shell of something that was less than human to begin with. Cursed, misfortunate, demonic...

"You know what you're feeling isn't love right? You are a Noah, just like me and we exist as lust and pleasure and bonds but not love, _never_ love," Rhode said eye clouding over with a seriousness that Allen hadn't seen since the time on the Ark when he'd nearly killed Tyki. "The Earl told you, didn't he? Told you that your time has already began to fade, that soon your innocence will destroy you for what you are. Won't you allow us to cut that cursed thing from you and give you life and purpose...we're family Allen, isn't that enough of a reason to let me take care of you?"

"No way in hell," Allen snapped. Family? Ha, what a bloody joke. It was beginning to dim in his mind but he remembered the first mission he'd returned from when he'd joined the Order. There were many people, all smiling and laughing, welcoming him into the family. _That_ had been real, _that_ was a family, a place where you could return to, where there were people you _wanted_ to see every day.

A part of the family of Noah? A mere technicality because of the Fourteenth hollowing him out form the inside. It meant nothing to him. He could never accept such a damned existence.

"You're so stubborn! The gratification you need, the assurance you need, I can give you that!" Rhode said "I can understand you in ways he couldn't even dream. I can support you in the change. Humans are fleeting Allen, but I will be there for you for eternity!"

"Just give him back to me," Allen said seemingly unruffled by Rhode's speech, "tell me where he is."

"Quid pro quo Allen," Rhode said darkly, seeing that the boy wasn't yet ready to listen to reason, "you want him back so badly, I'll give him to you; but this date was pathetic and not nearly equivalent to the cost of his freedom."

"What do you want?" Allen asked.

"You," Rhode said. She was sure if she had just a little bit of time and Allen's undivided attention she could enlighten him. Allen was silent as he stared at the girl, he didn't need to ask to know that she was serious.

"Are you willing to give yourself over to me in order to save that bastard?" Rhode asked, referring to Kanda with distaste.

"Yes," Allen said unflinchingly, he was sure that Rhode wanted to beat some sense into him, possibly brand it into his skin until he go the message and could recite it backwards and forwards. No matter the torture he was bound to receive he couldn't stand another second thinking that Kanda was in agony somewhere, perhaps locked in his own mind like Lavi had been.

"Then take him," Rhode said her dream door materializing behind her. Silver locked with gold before she conceded and stepped to the side to allow the boy to pass. "I'll come for you later," was the last thing Allen heard as he disappeared through the door and into a cold grey room.

As silver pools settled on the broken form suspended from the opposite wall, Allen was filled with an immense grief. Salty rivulets rolled down pale cheeks as he rushed to Kanda's side, hand trembling as he lifted Kanda's chin to look into clouded cobalt. To see such a prideful man in such a sorry state had revived some of the feelings in Allen's heart that he was sure had already be swallowed up by the darkness consuming him.

Kanda's brows knitted together as he registered the concerned snowy haired exorcist standing before him, momentarily wondering if lack of blood had made him delusional. Picking up Mugen from where it leaned against the wall Allen cut away the dark matter slowly lowering Kanda to the ground, wiping away some of the lazy trails of vermillion, bleeding across the man's now deathly pale skin. Love, a Noah couldn't love – he was becoming a Noah – he couldn't love.

"Kanda, I'm so sorry," Allen whispered as he carefully pulled the male onto his back.

"You damn idiot, this is a trap for you!" Kanda bit out hoarsely though he couldn't deny that he was relieved to see Allen was safe and to have the boy's warmth flowing into him from their proximity.

"I know," Allen said feeling the slight chuckle rumbling in Kanda's chest against his back.

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda muttered as he allowed the smaller boy to play saviour.

xXx

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Allen asked as he sat at Kanda's bedside. Allen had brought Kanda back to the inn, the finder filling them inn on the status of the innocence that had finally been found, while cleaning and dressing Kanda's wounds.

"There is one thing...smile for me," Kanda said "like you used to." Silver eyes widened in surprise, the emotion clearly written across Allen's face in the form of a vivid red blush.

"Don't be foolish Kanda," Allen said after getting over his shock, "you're in no condition to be making jokes."

"It wasn't a joke baka," Kanda said grabbing Allen's wrist as the boy had been ready to walk away.

"Just once," Kanda insisted, staring intently at Allen and wishing the adorably blushing infantile face would light with a semblance of joy, even if it was just for a moment at his request.

"I'm sorry," Allen said after a moment pulling his hand away from Kanda's, heart tightening in his chest. Allen quickly turned and began to stalk away, pale hand grasping the doorknob as he made to leave. Pausing in the doorway Allen turned and walked back to Kanda, leaning down and pressing his lips against the older males, silver eyes noting the shock that registered in the gorgeous cobalt depths. Allen had already pulled back before Kanda had gotten over his initial surprise.

The kiss had been brief, much too brief, and Kanda found himself trying to bring Allen back down for a more satisfying one but the boy shuffled back quickly, a strange kind of yearning in his silver eyes.

"Wait for me," Allen said softly, Kanda glimpsing a bit of the old Allen in the tone and utterly piteous look on his infantile features. But almost as soon as it had appeared it receded to wherever Allen was hiding it. Without another word Allen left Kanda to his thoughts.

'There is no way in hell I'm going to give up my body and life without a fight,' Allen thought firmly as he headed out to the clearing he'd first encountered Rhode in the village. It wasn't long before the girl turned up, a familiar sadistic glint in her eyes.

"How long must I stay to clear the debt of his release?" Allen asked coldly. Watching the grin falter and anger settle across her features.

"Don't say it like that!" Rhode near screeched, grabbing Allen's shoulders as she stared into his disinterested gaze.

"How long?"

"I'll only keep you for as long as I kept him," Rhode replied "but that's more than enough time to make you change your mind."

"That will never happen," Allen responded easily, almost feeling a twisted sort of amusement at the notion that Rhode actually though she could break him to her will without the life of someone held dear to him hanging in the balance. Clearly though, she wasn't pleased with his tenacity.

xXx

Cobalt eyes listlessly traced the ceiling. It had been a little over an hour since Allen had left and he couldn't begin to comprehend what the expression he'd seen had meant, or why Allen had sounded so piteous.

_Wait for me._

The words echoed in Kanda's mind as he longed to draw the boy into his arms, to just hold him. He could clearly see how hard Allen was struggling, though what it was he was struggling with was a mystery.

'The baka Usagi would have the time of his life if he had any idea how much that brat has grown on me,' Kanda thought shaking his head as he turned his gaze down to the sheets covering him.

He was known for his aloof countenance, for as long as Kanda could remember that was how he kept himself sane. He didn't think much about his life before becoming an exorcist. Life for him may as well have started when he'd been given the lotus and told that it was now his life. It was his job, to fight and eventually die, so he never fancied the idea of forming bonds with comrades and he never shed a tear for those who went out on assignment and never came back. That was just how war worked.

Until Allen came along, Kanda had never taken an interest in anyone. Loathed to say, he _had_ grown somewhat attached to Lenalee and Lavi, if only because of how insistent they were on befriending him. It had angered him when he'd first realized he was genuinely intrigued by Allen. He'd hated everything about the smaller boy from the moment he met him, the overly childlike naivety and expressions – what sensible person smiled like he hadn't a care in the world, striking up conversations and making friends in a place where the mortality rate was always exponentially increasing?

Kanda remembered thinking that there was no way in hell Allen was going to live long and on their first mission he had really thought he'd be going back alone, especially with how reckless Allen had been. Ironically the boy ended up saving his life. Kanda was no fool; he knew that if the akuma had gotten a chance to deliver its last blow that he'd have died. Sure if left alone he'd heal because of his lotus, but regenerating after being split in half really wasn't something he was confident in testing his luck on.

Still he didn't care, he hadn't asked to be saved and he didn't owe Allen anything. He would have killed the brat himself for being such an idiot, but somehow he'd ended up saved him, as if it had been instinct to do so. It didn't get any easier though, he found that he didn't hate the boy's presence as much as he let on. Allen still remained the source of many of his frustrations, but he didn't want the boy to die and had taken to subtly looking out for him. Eventually over the many battles they fought alongside each other he developed feelings that he hadn't known he was capable of feeling.

The mission in France had seriously put an unexpected twist in their relationship. Kanda had come to terms with the feelings he was harbouring, though he'd had no intention of acting on them. He had quickly taken a liking to their sexual encounters but had resolved not to make anything more of it. The majority of that decision had been a matter of his pride, having little to do with the snowy haired teen.

Only recently, when Allen had begun to act oddly, had Kanda even considered making anything of their relationship. He'd made it a point in life not to get involved with other peoples problems; he had enough of his own to deal with. Kanda had thought that he could sleep with Allen without worrying about the boy's troubles, though he'd now realized that was impossible.

Heaving a heavy sigh Kanda draped a bandaged arm over his eyes. Distinguished navy brows furrowed in self-directed annoyance.

"I can't believe I asked him to smile for me," Kanda murmured, eyelids feeling heavy as sleep claimed him.

xXx

What does it mean to forget?

Allen had been pondering this question for quite some time since he'd entered Rhode's newest fantasy world. He was pinned to the wall in a very familiar position, the gift paper walls slightly weathered like a present long forgotten in the dark recesses of a closet. There was that word again.

Forgotten.

Something about the way his innocence left arm was pinned to the wall with a couple spiral candles tugged on Allen's thoughts, as if trying to bring forth a memory. Something he'd already _forgotten_.

Silver eyes glanced from the laughing female to his arm and for a second it seemed as though the solid black clawed hand was large and silver – more primitive and disproportionate to his body. He blinked, but in his vision remained his black clawed arm and the dull ache throbbing through his muscles.

"What game is it this time?" Allen asked as he vaguely registered a teddy bear and a jack-in-the-box floating past Rhode's feet and hitting one of the ridiculously decorated walls before propelling in the other direction.

"Don't you remember Allen?" Rhode frowned as she fell to her knees before him and snaked her arms about his shoulders, "this is how we first met."

So he really had managed to forget, though the sensation and positioning felt so very familiar he could see only ghost like flashes of things that perhaps had been there the last time this had happened. A chair on the opposite side of the room, a lifeless looking teal haired woman in an elegant dress staring blankly ahead, an old grandfather clock standing off to the side and a woman chained to it. Silver gazed down to the girl clinging to him before turning back to the people that were no longer there.

"There used to be other people here," Allen murmured with a frown as he began tugging at his arm, trying to dislodge the candles.

"Poor Allen," Rhode cooed as she hugged him tighter, "if you just let us help you, you won't have to suffer like this anymore."

"Get off," Allen said coldly finally wrenching his arm free, pain travelling over his body in ripples.

A smirk drew up the corners of her mouth as she floated back out of his reach, a haunting laugh surrounding him as the world began to fall away beneath him. Everything breaking apart like puzzle pieces, being lost into the darkness he was tumbling through. For a moment his eyes fell shut as he recalled this sensation and when he opened them he was staring into amused golden eyes and hand stuck through his chest and dark black fluttery wings beating against the woodsy backdrop.

To forget is to lose what one is, to become blank and to grow empty.

Some things he had once longed to forget, to at least suppress, but found a morbid relief in the recognizable face and the overly vivid image replaying in his mind of a day just like this one, that seemed almost a lifetime ago.

Wide dilated silver eyes dulled as he crumpled to the ground, the hand wrenching from his chest in the process and the tease mocking him with their shadowy fleeting wings and the grin their master wore. A single gloved hand held up the deck of cards he'd kept with him since receiving them on the train and then they were falling like rain. Aces, jacks and kings scattered across his broken body, caressing him with a sickened sort of longing. He would soon forget but they would always remember – especially that lone joker, the only one with the sardonic glint in its inky two dimensional eyes, watching from a distance as the others fawned over him in what was meant to be his final living moments.

"Allen, are you mad?" Rhode's voice broke through his thoughts and suddenly he could no longer feel the coldness of death leeching at his skin, or smell the metallic tang of his blood. Sitting up, Allen realized that Tyki was nowhere to be seen, the cards were still neatly packed in his pocket, the forest was actually a field, his body was not broken and his innocence was not lost.

"I must be," Allen said dully a contemplative look taking over his features, "mad or mad, perhaps I'm both.

"Mad men are those who see what isn't there whilst contrariwise they see what is," Rhode said grinning, "mad men are those whose temperance spikes high, scorching the air and stealing away breath."

"Then surely I am mad, for even with my failing memory I'm almost certain that my sanity has long since departed."

Rhode laughed, the sordid sound tearing at the feeble walls the boy had attempted to erect in his defence.

"That color looks absolutely devastating on you Allen."

The words, he understood them, but had no idea what she meant until he glanced down to see the blood staining his hands. When he looked up again, questioning in his silver eyes he found a faceless man with an outstretched hand in her place. The sky had darkened and he was shivering as he stood in the middle of a very lonely London street.

Forget? Yes, he had forgotten this man's face but a name slipped past his lips, familiar to his tongue but fleeting to his mind and then he was crying.

The poor child had lost it. The laughter resonating around him as his torture persisted.

How had he gotten looped up into all this?

What had he been adamant to achieve?

A scream pierced the stillness of the snowy midnight world and for that brief moment, Rhode had achieved her goal, for all that the small trembling child had wanted was to be rid of the accursed arm that had murdered his father.

xXx

"I won't give you up Allen," Rhode said as the boy stumbled through her conjured door landing awkwardly in the clearing he'd met her in, "you're too important to me. I refuse to lose you to some exorcists and that damn innocence."

If he'd had enough energy, Allen would have laughed at the statement. He was important to a Noah who just spent all of the past twenty-two hours throwing hell at him. Dragging himself to his feet he caught sight of a blur of gold, a moment later Timcanpy was at his side, fluttering around anxiously.

"Sorry Tim, I should have had you wait with Kanda," Allen said apologetically as he began his trek back to the inn. Vision blurred from the stinging tears in his blood shot eyes and a frown marring his otherwise apathetic features, Allen caught himself on a tree to keep himself from collapsing.

"Tim, I can't see very well," Allen near whispered to which the golden golem fluttered frantically at the comment before taking to leading its master.

With a little effort and Timcanpy's guidance, Allen managed to make it back to the inn successfully, albeit in worse condition than he had left in. Deadened silver eyes barely made out Kanda's sleeping figure before he collapsed. Seemingly distraught by Allen's sudden inability to continue moving Timcanpy began flying desperately around the boy in attempts to get some sort of response out of him.

"It's okay Tim, I'm just going to sleep for awhile," Allen murmured as he wiped away some blood from his brow with the back of his hand and closed his eyes, allowing the heavy drowsiness to drag him into unconsciousness. After a couple more frantic minutes Timcanpy settled into Allen's snowy hair, relived that if nothing else its master's breathing had evened out a bit.

A couple hours later Kanda woke to a muffled groan. Blinking the sleep from his eyes he took note of the small bundle of white and black on the ground. Realizing it to be Allen, a frown marred his features as he slowly pulled himself up using the small bedside table for support. His wounds were almost fully healed, but his body was still a bit sore.

"Baka," Kanda mumbled as he lowered himself to lie beside Allen. Kanda's normally steely gaze softened as he looked down at the sleeping face of the young exorcist. Even as he slept, Allen's infantile features were hard with worry. Lacing his fingers with Allen's, Kanda drew the boy against him, if nothing else he could at least attempt to offer this much in the way of comfort.

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda whispered as he gently carded his fingers through Allen's snowy locks, "staying out all day and then sleeping on the ground like this, you ought to take better care of yourself."

"Sorry," Allen murmured, and for a moment Kanda stiffened, thinking the boy had woken. Kanda released a sigh as he hugged Allen closer.

'Apologizing in your sleep,' Kanda thought a smirk turning the corners of his lips up as he buried his face in Allen's snowy locks. Some things never changed.

xXx

For the first time in the month they'd been sleeping together morning found Allen curled up in Kanda's arms, fully clothed. A few rays of light streamed through the partially closed curtains, illuminating the two sleeping figures. Slowly Allen woke groggily, eyes clouded by fatigue, nuzzling further into the warmth surrounding him and vainly trying to hide from the beams of sunlight. Kanda cracked open his eyes at the stirring against him, cobalt gaze reflecting slight confusion before the memory of the previous night returned to him, quickly followed by a feeling of contentedness.

'All I did was hold him...' Kanda thought blinking away the sleep from his eyes. Kanda spent the next few minutes simply watching Allen, briefly wondering whether Allen realized who his pillow was. A small smirk graced his normally stoic features as the pale boy turned a rather expressionless gaze up at the navy haired man.

"Good morning Kanda," Allen whispered. A simple nod was all he received as an answer, but it was enough.

"Where did you go yesterday?" Kanda asked, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on when Allen chose that moment to extricate himself from his arms. Allen shivered lightly as he put some distance between them, his silver eyes suddenly finding the floor to be very interesting, and not daring to meet the inquisitive gaze he knew Kanda was wearing.

"Just out," Allen said making to stand, noting that Kanda was also composing himself, dusting off his pants, and pulling a shirt and his coat over his bandaged torso.

"Che, whatever," Kanda sighed, figuring he wouldn't get an answer and that he really didn't want to get into anything with Allen so early in the morning.

"How are your wounds?" Allen asked, Kanda detecting a trace of guilt behind the aloof words.

"Those kinds of injuries can't kill me," Kanda said arrogantly as he headed to the bathroom door, "they've already healed."

"Then we can go and get the innocence today," Allen said. He was sick of this town and damn ready to get the innocence and go back to the Order.

"No shit," Kanda muttered condescendingly casting a glance over his shoulder and noting that Allen was about to say something. Navy brows furrowed as Allen's words died away and coughs took their place.

"Oi, you alright?" Kanda asked only to go stiff with concern as Allen crumbled to his knees, blood spattering against his pale hand as he coughed.

"What the hell?" Kanda cursed as he rushed to Allen's side supporting the boy as he heaved, trying to regain control of his breathing that was still being jostled by coughs. "What the heck is happening with you?"

"I'm fine," Allen mumbled fighting back the wave of nausea that was threatening to overthrow him. When he'd made it back the night before he felt more exhausted than anything and hadn't realized he was worse off than it appeared.

"Yeah because coughing up blood is a normal occurrence, cut the crap," Kanda growled as he pulled Allen to lean against him.

"I-"

"Forget it, there's a hospital about a half mile away from here," Kanda muttered as he hastily scooped the boy up in his arms and headed out the door.

xXx

"How's he doing?" Kanda asked as the doctor entered the waiting room.

"He's alright now, it wasn't anything life threatening. Though, I have to ask how he managed to get so beat up, was he in a fight?"

"Che, your guess is as good as mine," this was one of the reasons Kanda hated going to regular hospitals, they asked questions. This time he sincerely didn't know what had happened, however, usually the offending party would either be an akuma or Noah, and he couldn't exactly go around saying that demons born from people's grief had attacked with their claws and poison bullets, or that a race of mentally unstable super humans with unimaginable powers decided to play pin the ridiculously sharp candle on the exorcist.

"Well in any case, he had some lacerations on his arms, a couple of his ribs were bruised and there was some minor internal bleeding," the doctor said glancing over the paper on his clipboard. "You can take him home, but he needs to rest." Kanda didn't say anything, just nodding as he passed the doctor into the hospital room where Allen was staring out the window.

"Oi, what happened while you were out yesterday?" Kanda asked.

"Nothing," Allen said without turning to look at him.

"Don't give me that shit," Kanda growled, "I want to know why you left yesterday without so much as a word to where you were going and then didn't even bother to have one of the finders treat your wounds when you got back. Was it your intention to wait until you start coughing up blood and were having difficulty breathing before getting help?"

"It's none of your concern," Allen said stiffly, no expression in his silver eyes.

"Che," Kanda scoffed not pressing the subject any further, Allen had told him to wait for him, and he'd resolved to do so. Not that he could get anything out of the stubborn boy if he wasn't ready to speak. "Come on, let's go. You can wait with the finder while I get the innocence, then we'll head back to headquarters."

"I'm fine Kanda," Allen said sliding from the hospital bed and easily walking over to stand beside the navy haired male. "I'm not going to just sit around. This was initially _my_ mission in the first place."

"If you get in my way-" Kanda warned glaring at Allen seriously, knowing that nothing short of the apocalypse could deter Allen from accomplishing something he felt was his duty.

"I won't," Allen said, a confident glimmer in his eye as he passed Kanda, bowing his thanks to the doctor on his way down the hall.

xXx

The rest of the mission went by without consequence and the two returned to headquarters with the innocence and no casualties. Allen quickly excused himself from Kanda's company once they'd debriefed Komui on the mission – with certain omissions being made in both of their accounts.

As Kanda neared his room he caught sight of Lenalee and Lavi, rather serious expressions on their faces, and Allen with a blank though mildly irritated look in his eyes as he politely asked them to allow him into his room.

"No, not unless you tell us what's up with you," Lavi said with a frown, arms spread open, playing the role of the barrier between Allen and the door to his room.

"Lavi, I'm rather tired from my mission and I'd really appreciate it if you'd step aside," Allen said resting a hand on the redhead's shoulder. "I'll see you both later at dinner," he added as he glanced over his shoulder to where Lenalee stood, a pout on her delicate features and a well of concern in her amethyst eyes.

Kanda shook his head as he continued past the three exorcists down the hall, entering his room without so much as another glance to the group. Emerald and amethyst stared after the scowling samurai, both contemplating whether or not he may be able to enlighten them on the situation with Allen. Using the brief reprieve of questioning and the minor distraction to his advantage, Allen slipped past Lavi and into his room with a polite nod to the two before closing and locking the door.

"Allen, please open the door," Lenalee called from the other side of the door which went ignored by said male. It took another two minutes of Lavi knocking and Lenalee trying to coerce him into leaving his room before the two gave up and finally left the boy alone.

Allen frowned as he stared at Timcanpy, the tiny golden ball rolling about on his stomach. He appreciated their concern, he knew it was only because they cared about him, but he really couldn't deal with it. It felt strange and made his heart tighten with guilt.

When the Earl had told him that he be erased, he hadn't really understood what it meant. The other Noah retained their memories of their first lives, though for many it was something they personally chose to repress, so he hadn't known what kind of trick the Earl had been trying to pull with him.

_Because the memories of the Fourteenth were implanted into you, rather than the essence of the Musician being born into you, the Noah's awakening will erase your existence. _

Though the whole situation was still rather perplexing he understood at least a bit of what he'd meant. How did one's existence become erased? Well that was easier than he'd thought possible. It just happened, like water flowing down stream, something natural and irreversible. He hadn't realized because at first it had only been small parts of him, trivial memories of long past missions with faces of people he'd seen only in passing.

The faded recollections and the smudged faces, he hated not knowing. It left him feeling hollow and cold inside. It took exactly twenty-two hours reliving memories in Rhode's dream world for him to realize just how quickly he was losing himself. The memories she had drawn out of him had been painful to feel, her manipulation of events and his own fleeting recognition had almost been enough to drive him mad. It had been a shock to him that he'd even forgotten the first form of his innocence, seeing it only briefly in dimming apparitions.

A shiver ran down Allen's spine and he rolled onto his side, Timcanpy falling onto the covers beside him with a soft flop. He hadn't felt such a strong surge of emotion wash over him in quite awhile, and to say that it was unpleasant wouldn't be too far off the mark. Shame, guilt and self-loathing, he could only put a name to them because he was so very familiar with those devilish feelings.

"He said I can't reverse it," Allen muttered softly as he picked up Timcanpy, fondly tugging at its wings, "he said that it can't be stopped." Silver eyes darkened as Allen sat up looking down at the golden golem intensely.

"Well maybe he's right, but..." Allen trailed off as he glanced to the window and the overcast sky beyond the glass.

Standing abruptly, releasing Timcanpy as he did so, Allen marched over to the door, a determined glint in his eyes. If there was one thing he hadn't forgotten yet, it was his promise.

_Always keep walking forward._

He knew he'd just returned from his mission, and he knew his attempts may all be in vain, but he couldn't remain as he was. Things wouldn't right themselves on their own, he had to strive for it, and if he fell he would endure and push forward 'til he couldn't go any further.

"Tim, we're going on a mission," Allen announced as he pulled on his coat and headed down to see Komui.

xXx

Two weeks past before Allen returned from his self assumed mission, during which there was much gossip over what was wrong with the Order's favourite white haired exorcist. Kanda had been a bit annoyed by the boy's sudden lack of presence around headquarters but had easily brushed it aside to deal with his own missions and training.

When he'd heard from Komui that Allen was returning, though, he'd found himself waiting down at the docks for the boy to snap at him before he got swarmed by everyone else. When the pale boy stepped off the gondola, all thoughts of reprimanding flew from Kanda's head as he stood stalk still taking in the unsightly appearance of _his _Moyashi.

"What the fuck happened?" Kanda asked as he took in the state of Allen's torn up innocence and the strange markings around his left eye, the cursed scar seeming to have spread.

"It's nothing, I just-"

"Nothing, are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck happened to your arm?" Kanda demanded spinning Allen to face him.

"Kanda, please..." Allen trailed off as he felt a wave of dizziness sweep over him.

"O-oi!" Kanda caught Allen just as the boy's legs gave out.

"Sorry," Allen murmured as he succumbed to the patches of black spreading across his vision.

"Oi, Moyashi!" Kanda called as he gently shook the small body in his arms. "Shit." Scooping Allen into his arms Kanda made a beeline towards the infirmary, brushing past everyone in the hall who had tried to ask about the unconscious exorcist in his arms.

Cobalt eyes traced the limp black arm, feeling his stomach wrench with repulsion at the ravaged state of it. Long jagged cuts ran across it, rust brown dried blood flaking off its surface as it rubbed against Allen's side, but the most horrifying part of it all was the angry glow of the innocence embedded in the back of his hand, the skin around it tight and the veins rather prominently pressing against the hard blackened flesh.

xXx

"He's going to be fine," Komui assured as he exited the sanatorium.

"What do you think he did to get it so damaged?" Lavi asked leaning back against the wall.

"I really have no idea," Komui sighed heavily, removing his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Oi, is the brat okay?" Kanda asked walking up to the two males.

"Yes, Allen will be alright, but his nerves will be raw for quite awhile," Komui said, "I haven't had to extensively repair his innocence like that before, it unnerves me to think of what he could have been doing to get himself so damaged."

"How long will it take to heal?" Kanda asked, surprising both Lavi and Komui with his interest in Allen's condition.

"Well I can't really say...he heals pretty fast because his innocence is parasitic. As long as he eats well and doesn't try to invoke or do anything to strain it, it should be completely healed within two weeks time," Komui said crossing his arms in thought. "But what I'm more worried about is whether something is wrong with him mentally. With him being unconscious I couldn't exactly speak with him, but as I'm sure you've noticed, he's been acting rather strange lately."

"Yuu, did he say anything strange to you on your last mission together?" Lavi asked earning a glare from the young samurai.

"Don't call me that," Kanda hissed dangerously before glancing towards the closed sanatorium door. "It's not what he said but what he _didn't_ say. And he didn't say a lot."

"Yeah," Lavi sighed in understanding, "he wouldn't talk to any of us either. He ran off on that other mission before we could get anything out of him. Speaking of which, what was his last mission?" At this, emerald and cobalt turned to the now fidgeting scientist.

"It wasn't a real mission," Komui confessed, quickly beginning to explain when he noted that Lavi was about to explode with questions and Kanda's glare intensified. "He'd asked to get away from the Order to clear his head, if there was any sort of mission he could do. I said that there wasn't anything at the moment but he seemed really determined and I thought perhaps all he needed to go back to normal was a little break. So, since I can't authorize holiday leave, I told him to go look into a temple in Athens to see if there was any innocence there."

"Then it was a real mission," Lavi said brow furrowed in thought.

"Not exactly, we only send exorcists to investigate areas with the possibility of innocence as eighty percent or higher," Komui said, "the investigation into the odd events in Athens had been ranked at fifteen percent, so with such low chances of it being caused by innocence we'd disregarded it."

"Are you sure there wasn't a seventy percent chance or something, 'cause short of him running across akuma searching for that nonexistent innocence or getting into a tousle with a Noah, I don't think there is anything that could hurt him so badly," Lavi said.

"No, there shouldn't have been anything in Athens but humans and old historical structures," Komui said.

"Che," Kanda scoffed as he turned to walk away, "you're all fucking idiots."

"Wait up Yuu!" Lavi called running after the navy haired male and leaving the strange scientist to his thoughts.

"What the hell do you want?" Kanda growled, wanting the idiotic redheaded stalker to leave him alone.

"What happened between you and Allen?" Lavi asked grinning, "you seem to be quite interested in him lately."

"Baka Usagi," Kanda grumbled, "you might want to get that head of yours checked out."

"Don't be like that, it's alright if you're worried about him," Lavi said slinging his arm over Kanda's shoulder.

"Get your hand off me," Kanda seethed, his annoyance near tangible. Gulping Lavi nodded as he pulled his arm back, a serious expression replacing the false cheerfulness he was so good at playing at.

"Really though Yuu, do you know anything about what's up with Allen?" Lavi asked, "there's something about his eyes that I just don't like." Kanda simply cast a blank gaze towards the redhead, subtly asking for an elaboration on the comment. It was one of Lavi's _only_ good traits in Kanda's opinion; he understood the difference between a silence that encouraged him to continue talking and a silence that would cut his tongue out if he insisted on continuing.

"Sure it's clear to everyone that he's been acting strangely, the cold dissociative tone in his voice and the rather blank expressions he wears," Lavi said, "but the look in his eyes...I can't place it but it seems like it just doesn't belong to Allen. It's dark and empty."

Kanda said nothing, beginning to walk away from Lavi, but this time the apprentice Bookman did not follow.

xXx

It was two days before Allen woke up, and another six days before he was allowed to leave the confines of the sanatorium. In that time many people came to wish him well and ask how exactly he'd gotten hurt. He was curt with his answers and gave no more of an explanation except that he got into a fight and things hadn't been in his favour.

Kanda hadn't spoken to him in this time, Allen would occasionally see the male standing off to the side against a wall while others prattled on to him about this and that, but never did he stay long and never did he approach Allen, to which the boy was highly grateful.

By the time he had regained full functionality of his arm, two and a half weeks had gone by.

"I have to try again," Allen murmured as he sat in his room, contemplating a new mission that was his last ace. If it didn't work out this time, then he didn't know what else to try. "Just once more."

A knock at the door broke Allen from his thoughts and he got up rather mechanically to answer it. Silver met cobalt and instantly Allen regretted it.

"How are you?" Kanda asked as Allen stepped aside to allow him into the room.

"Will you believe me if I said fine?" Allen asked pushing the door closed. Kanda was silent as he appraised Allen, eyes scanning over his fully healed arm and then to the scar around Allen's left eye which had reverted to how it normally looked.

After a long moment of silence Kanda walked over to Allen and wrapped his arms around the pale boy, the embrace was tight and warm and though he was having difficulty recalling the sensation in his chest, Allen tentatively returned the gesture, arms wrapping around Kanda's torso while leaning into the hug. They stayed like that for a long time, Kanda pressing a chaste kiss atop Allen's snowy locks before pulling away.

"I have to leave again," Allen said meeting Kanda's steely gaze. The older male stiffened, his grip on Allen's arms tightening ever so slightly in response to the statement.

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda grumbled as he tilted Allen's chin up with his thumb and forefinger before capturing the dust pink lips with his own. Mismatched hands fisted in the older male's clothes as Allen sunk into the sensations rolling over him.

They'd done it many times before; even so, Allen hadn't seen it coming. The deepening of the kiss and the slow languid movement of Kanda's body moving against his as their clothes fell away. Allen clung tightly to Kanda as the older male lowered him onto the bed, navy locks spilling over his shoulders and tickling Allen's bare chest and face.

Calloused hands ghosted down his sides, resting at his hips as Kanda left trails of goose bumps all over Allen's milky skin. Allen tilted his head back as warm lips latched onto his neck, sucking and nipping at the sensitive flesh and leaving beautiful red flushed marks behind.

A low moan rumbled in Allen's chest as his face was tilted back down to meet Kanda in a kiss again. Silver eyes widened a fraction as a hand fisted his cock, smearing around the pearly evidence of his arousal. Reaching between them, Allen gently stroked Kanda's hardening arousal while a finger disappeared into him. A few seconds later the second finger was added, quickly followed by a third.

Linking his arms around Kanda's neck and abandoning the man's now weeping cock, Allen buried his face in the man's shoulder biting down lightly to brace against the oncoming intrusion of something much bigger than three fingers. Kanda lined up and slowly began sinking into his younger lover, wanting to smirk when he felt the boy bite down harder, though not enough to break the skin.

Once fully inside, Kanda paused to look at the flushed face beneath him and reached a lifted a hand up, brushing away some stray locks of snowy hair form Allen's face. He truly was a beautiful sight, pale skin almost glowing with need and eyes reflecting adoration and desperation. A slight wiggle of Allen's hips was all the encouragement Kanda needed to begin a steady pace, rocking into the tight heat of Allen's ass and then pulling back.

As their breathing became heavier and the thrusts became faster, Allen's bit his bottom lip in attempts to keep his voice muted. But it was in vain and a triumphant gleam lit Kanda's eyes as Allen screamed out, back arching at the pressure ramming against his prostate.

A little more and Kanda's thrusts became unsteady, his arms trembling under his weight as he supported himself over Allen, pleased when the boy spread his legs a bit wider to allow him to reach deeper into the scorching heat constricting around him.

A gasp and a low groan and Kanda buried himself to the hilt sitting back and bringing Allen up flush against him as they both came. They stilled, the only movement being from their heaving chests as their breathing returned to normal. Leaning his forehead against Kanda's Allen revelled in the warm body holding him, breathing in the musky scent of sweat and cum that clung to his lover's body.

"I know it's hard for a brat like you, but try not to do anything stupid this time," Kanda whispered against Allen's ear before tilting the boy forward and pulling out of him. Allen said nothing as Kanda repositioned them to lie on the bed, drawing the covers up around them. He said nothing as Kanda gently ran his fingers through Allen's hair. He said nothing as he leaned up, pressing his lips against Kanda's.

Breaking the kiss after what seemed like a short eternity, Allen curled against Kanda, legs threading together beneath the sheets and bodies pressed up against each other. Closing his eyes he allowed sleep to take him from consciousness as he listened to the steady beating of the older male's heart. Kanda followed shortly after, hand stilling in the silky strands of snow and eyes falling shut.

xXx

When morning came, Kanda awoke to an empty bed and a neatly scrawled note lying on the pillow beside him. A single word...

_Thanks._

Cobalt eyes traced the inked word, taking in the elegant arch of the _h_ and the way the _a_ flowed into the _n_. Kanda would have berated himself for finding even Allen's handwriting beautiful if he wasn't preoccupied hating himself for not having noticed when Allen woke up.

'Hurry up and get back here you idiot,' Kanda thought as he draped an arm over his eyes to hide his worry from the walls of Allen's room, for surely he'd be mocked for it.

xXx

"You're keen on playing games," Allen said as he stared into amused golden eyes, "why don't you play one with me."

"Hmmm, how interesting," Rhode grinned as a door appeared beside her.

"But you'll have to work hard because I don't intend to lose," Allen said, a hint of challenge in his voice.

"I'll try not to disappoint then," Rhode said as Allen willingly walked into her dream world instantly falling into the torturous things called memories.

xXx

People, so many people, but where are their faces? What are their names?

xXx

_Why are you even here Allen?_

A wind picks up dragging with it a familiar voice.

_Don't you remember me Allen? We were friends once._

The water dances, falling drops like crystals, reflecting images of old.

_You killed me._

The earth moans, metallic poison spattering crimson against its surface.

_What are you hoping to achieve? _

The fire flares, scorching violently across an unfeeling heart.

_Can you even remember what guilt is supposed to feel like?_

xXx

Dazed and tattered Allen wandered about trying to banish the feeling of hopelessness that still resided within him. It had all been for naught, he had succeeded only in reducing himself to a bruised and battered mess with a splitting headache. Rhode's laughter continued still to echo in his mind, telling him he could come back whenever he'd like.

He didn't know how long it had been since he'd left again, perhaps a week or maybe two. It didn't really matter, he wouldn't be going back. It all looked bleak but he would try again as soon as he was a bit better. He'd try again and again until he forgot what perseverance was, that was his resolve.

As he trudged along a lonely, nearing the crest of a hill that marked the edge of the village he'd been passing through when he'd encountered the akuma that called Rhode for him, a familiar head of vibrant red hair came into view, followed shortly by the scowling face of someone he hoped he'd never forget.

"Allen!" Lavi called as he ran over and tackled the boy into a hug, pulling back almost instantly with the boy's wince. "What the heck happened to you?" the exuberant redhead asked, obviously worried about the state in which they'd found Allen in.

"Nothing, I'm busy I'll see you later," Allen muttered making to pass Lavi.

"Allen, stop this and tell us what's up," Lavi said frowning as he gripped the smaller boy's shoulders, "you got patched up and then you were gone again and now you look like a torn up rag doll."

"Wild cards are called so because their nature is uncertain and their purpose is to create chaos. My mission is my own and I'll carry it out as I see fit," Allen replied cryptically.

"How is getting beaten half to death helping you accomplish anything?" Lavi asked temporarily setting aside the strange answer he'd received.

"Che, stay here," Kanda ordered shooting a glare at the apprentice Bookman as he grabbed Allen's hand and dragged the rather battered boy away with him.

Once at a satisfactory distance away from the redhead, Kanda released Allen, the boy stumbling a bit to regain his balance.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kanda asked, cobalt eyes hard with seriousness, "and don't give me that cold glare. You were the one that told me to wait for you and I'm telling you that I'm sick of waiting and I want you back now."

"Kanda I'm fading," Allen said with a sigh, "I've been fighting so hard, my memories...they're obscured and I can't help but feel this immensely agonized resonance humming off my innocence. It knows I'm turning into a Noah."

"What?" Kanda asked, cobalt eyes widening in shock. He hadn't expected that; of all the things that Allen could have said, of all the things that could have been bothering the boy, it never once occurred to him that it was something like this.

"That night before I...before I stopped smiling, I saw the Earl. He told me to come with him, how a Noah's body cannot coexist with innocence," Allen said not daring to look Kanda in the eyes for fear of the look of disgust that was most likely scowling down at him. "He told me I would die here, that I could only hide it for so long and then the Vatican would have me executed for heresy."

"He's wr-" Kanda started, not really knowing how to deal with the situation. He had wanted to know what was wrong with Allen, but he hadn't been prepared for this.

"He wasn't wrong," Allen cut the male off, hands balling into fists at his sides. "This _is _me. I've been myself since that encounter. That smile you always hated, the facade I've been fostering for all these years, I don't remember how to keep it up. I see a face in my mind but the smile is blurred, like a water color painting its streaked and crying and I can't fake it anymore."

"How..." Kanda trailed off. What was someone supposed to say in his position? What questions were insensitive and shouldn't be asked?

"You don't know how much I want to play the white knight for everyone, how much I wish I could be their guiding light, but the thing that's hollowing me out, the thing that's replacing what I was..." Allen bit his tongue, he wasn't completely lost yet and the shame and guilt was weighing heavily in his words, "it can't feel. Though I started out trying to hide my emotions so as not to show how much I'm breaking, I _can't_ feel anymore. Those emotions, they're simply not there anymore."

Kanda was silent, cobalt gaze softening ever so slightly as he cupped Allen's chin, tilting it up so he could see into the endless pools of silver. Kanda's heart clenched painfully at the dead look in the boy's normally glittering silver gaze.

"I know I told you to wait for me...at the time I was determined not to lose. I thought that if I tried hard enough to control it, if only I could remember _one_ thing I'd forgotten..." Allen breathed deep as he pulled away from Kanda, completely turning from him and the oddly concerned look in the cobalt eyes he'd wanted to spend forever drowning in. "Even after fighting with Rhode, after spending days in her dream world being bombarded by things from my past, things that there was no way in hell I should have ever forgotten, I couldn't feel anything but the crying of my innocence and a deep overwhelming regret."

"We'll talk to Bookman, he might know something that could help you," Kanda suggested wondering why it hurt so much to have Allen turn away from him so shamefully like he'd done.

"Rhode told me that Noah can't love, that Noah are capable of lust and pleasure and bonds but there is no love. I had wondered though, why it was that I felt so much pain seeing you strung up by the dark matter, and why it was that my mind was in disarray when I forced myself from your bed," Allen said, voice unwavering even though they both knew how difficult this was for him to say, "I still wonder why something in me is screaming for me to just throw myself at your feet and beg you not to forget me. Just hoping that maybe there was someway I would stop losing myself if only you'd hold me and call my name with a shred of emotion."

"Allen..."

"I can't do it though. That feeling, the love I know I've felt for you, it just doesn't exist anymore because that person who loved you is just about gone and I can seem to find a way to bring him back," Allen said facing Kanda with the last sliver of courage he had, directly facing the navy haired samurai to say what he'd dreaded saying the moment he'd realized there was just no saving him this time. "I'm sorry Kanda."

There was a moment's pause as tumultuous cobalt clashed with tarnished silver.

"Wait for me...it was a selfish and stupid thing to say...forget I asked you such an unreasonable thing. I could never ask you to wait forever for someone that will never come back." With that said Allen turned from the speechless male and began walking away.

"Allen!" Kanda called hoping the boy would turn around and grin at him, that he'd concede that it had all been an elaborate joke to make him realize his feelings for him. But Allen didn't turn around, didn't even pause in his stride.

"Goodbye," Allen said. A myriad of profanities passed through Kanda's mind as he watched the growing distance between him and the silver haired exorcist. Love? His damn pride, even now after all that, wouldn't allow him to call out to the boy, wouldn't allow him to pursue.

Then Allen was gone and only then did the weight of the moment hit the young samurai. That hadn't been a 'see you back at headquarters' goodbye. Allen didn't intend on coming back, and he had just watched him go.

"Allen," Kanda's voice came out as less than a whisper as he took a step forward and then another until he found himself running. But it was too late. There was no longer any trace of white on the bleeding horizon.

* * *

A/N: Alright, before I say anything else, there is going to be one other chapter after this. It probably won't be out until after Halloween, since I have a special fic planned as a treat for you guys for the thirtieth and thirty-first (you'll see why I split it into two parts when I post the first part.)

I really wanted to get this out sooner, but a lot has been going on. Not to mention I almost had a break down when my USB refused to open on my computer a couple days ago. I don't know what was wrong with it but I was just about ready to break down in tears. That USB is my entire life, and as pathetic as it may sound I'm not ashamed to say so. But everything's working fine now though it didn't help my paranoia for malfunctioning machinery one bit.

I hope there aren't too many mistakes, it's 3:23am and I have yet to go to sleep so the chances of my editing not being top notch are quite high. I have an assignment due for one of my classes on Monday and I've been having some problems articulating my thoughts for it, so after a short nap that's what I'll be doing for the rest of my Sunday.

I had a reading week this past week, meaning no classes and just a week to catch up on work and study for the tests coming up and I've been so out of it that I didn't even realize that it was Saturday until around 4pm, meaning I missed kendo practice which sucks because I was really looking forward to it.

Anyway thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


	3. Chapter 2

**Quid Pro Quo**

Two years, it had been two years since Kanda watched Allen disappear from his life. Two years of fruitless searching for what was now a ghost to the Order. The war was still raging and people were still dying, but amidst it all Kanda couldn't bring himself to care. He dragged his missions out for as long as possible, hoping to get a lead or catch a glimpse of white and a flash of silver on the horizon. He had never wanted something so much before in his life. He had never worked so hard for something before, never had the drive to fully apply himself. But he wanted Allen and he was doing everything in his power in order to find him, which brought him to another abandoned town in the middle of nowhere.

His mission was to retrieve the innocence and eliminate the hoards of akuma plaguing the town. What he found when he got there was the empty town and a whole set of evolving akuma. Stuck in a fight with two level fours and a really persistent level three, Kanda felt the ice of impending death on his back and whirled around to face the descending scythe of an arm. For a split second he thought that this was the end; he'd never find Allen, and he'd never see the damn war he'd been fighting all these years come to an end. Then a streak of white crashed down on the akuma, catching the scythe with his right hand and shoving a clawed left hand through the body of the akuma. Without hesitation the boy dashed past Kanda eradicating the last two akuma as if they were merely level ones.

"Moyashi?" Kanda whispered, staring in a shocked stupor as the ghost he'd been searching for approached him. Two years had worn off some of the childish softness to Allen's features and he had grown a bit taller, though still remained an inch shorter than Kanda. Snowy locks hung messily like they always had but the silver eyes he'd always loved were no longer there, rather dull grey eye flecked with gold stared out at him.

"Are you alright exorcist?" Allen asked, his voice hollow, without a single shred of familiarity.

"Allen, it's really you?" Kanda asked, instinctively reaching out a hand to caress the face of his ghost to assure himself that he was not in fact hallucinating.

"I'm sorry, but do I know you?" Allen asked dully. Kanda's heart broke at those words, though it wasn't surprising. Allen's memory had been fading when he'd left; it only made sense that now it wasn't there at all.

"Yeah," Kanda said almost nostalgically, "must've been a lifetime ago."

"I see, my apologies for forgetting," Allen said bowing respectfully.

"What are you doing here?"

"Master Cross said to deliver this fragment of innocence to the Order, I imagine he'll be rather furious with me for being seen but it's only by chance that I saw you and it seemed like you needed help."

'Cross is still alive,' Kanda thought in puzzlement. The man had supposedly died, even before Allen had begun to lose himself, he remembered it clearly. Allen had been a wreck of nerves then, though he kept it, for the most part, locked away behind his smile. It wasn't as though the general hadn't fallen of the map before, but usually there was a trail of debt left in either Allen's name or made out to the Order. How he had managed to stay hidden by himself for however long before he met up with Allen again, was seriously a baffling question.

"Do you take innocence to the Order often?" Kanda asked.

"No, it's easier to leave it for you exorcists to get it, that way we don't get involved," Allen said with a shrug, "I'm not sure why exactly but Master was rather adamant about staying hidden, though I suppose that's all blown to hell now."

"I won't tell anyone," Kanda said, "I have no reason to do so."

"I believe something like that warrants gratitude," Allen said "but things in this world never come for free. What is it that you wish in return for your silence?"

Kanda was taken aback by the boys' words but shook his head, "I need to talk to Cross. After that I'll take the innocence back to the Order with me."

Nodding Allen began walking in what Kanda remembered to be the direction of the closest town that had a train station. The navy haired male followed without another word. There was a world of difference between _his _Allen and this hollow thing wearing his skin. Even so he had no other choice but to follow and hope answers and maybe a solution may lie with the renegade general.

xXx

Other than the rickety shifting of the train cars and the continuous whirr of the wheels against the track, the cabin the two were in was completely silent. Kanda couldn't take his eyes off the snowy haired boy. Allen was sitting across from him, not moving, not speaking, just staring down at the tiny golden golem in his cupped hands. He had a million questions for Allen, but he couldn't ask them; it was pointless. _This _Allen wouldn't be able to give him the answers he needed.

"How did we meet?" Allen asked deciding to make some conversation with the strange man who was, in a sense, following him home. "You said that we knew each other," Allen clarified to the questioning look in the man's cobalt eyes.

"I attacked you because of that curse mark across your eye," Kanda said not sure what Allen knew of the Order - what Cross had told him.

"Oh, I guess that's not surprising," Allen said expression blank as he spoke, "you don't happen to know how I got it do you? Master won't tell me."

'He even forgot things like that huh,' Kanda thought frowning, "no I don't, you never told me." It wasn't exactly a lie.

"I see," Allen said cold eyes causing Kanda to stiffen with mild discomfort; it hadn't been like this before. There was nothing in Allen, not a single shred of emotion. "I wasn't aware I knew any exorcists. Are you the only one?"

"No, I'm quite sure you knew at least a couple others," Kanda answered carefully gauging Allen's reaction for any sort of sign that he was remembering.

"Is that so? Master will be quite angry with me then," Allen said. With a statement like that, Kanda expected to see the boy's dust pink lips to turn down in a frown, it felt so wrong that even simple reactions such as that were no longer part of the boy's repertoire.

"Why, it's not like you remember," Kanda said.

"Well that is true, but Master seems to be angry with me for just about everything," Allen said, "he always gets this annoyed look on his face, like he wants to hit me or something and then storms off to the nearest brothel."

"Sounds like the bastard hasn't changed a bit," Kanda muttered dully.

"How long have you known Master?" Allen asked.

"I wouldn't say I know him, rather we crossed paths several times before," Kanda said, "and then he kind of disappeared for awhile."

"I see," Allen said "like you, he claims to know me. I really can't be sure about anything though, because my first memory is of him calling a name I didn't recognize."

"Your first memory?" Kanda asked thinking that maybe he might get some answers out of this Allen after all.

"I think it was a year ago, maybe a bit longer than that," Allen said "I woke up with a splitting headache and Master was calling me _Allen_, I hadn't known that was my name nor did I have any recollection of anything before waking up in that room with a furious redheaded male, and the smell of poignant alcohol and cigarette smoke permeating the air."

"He told me a lot of strange things and kept yelling at me, saying that I had to remember," Allen said "that persisted for about a week before he gave up with the fragmented story he'd been fussing over and told me who I am and what my purpose is. I'm still not clear on what that is but I know that I'm to follow his Orders."

'Bastard fabricated a life for him,' Kanda thought silently fuming.

"Master always says how the Vatican is corrupt, and that exorcists are stupid pawns that they move at will," Allen said, "why is it that you work for them? Your eyes aren't those of one easily controlled."

"If you expect me to say something like, it's my duty, you'd be wrong," Kanda said smirking at the same perceptive nature he recalled of _his _Allen.

"I don't expect anything," Allen said, unsettling gold flecked eyes boring into cobalt ones.

"At first I had no choice and nothing better to do," Kanda said "now I use them as a means for my own purpose in life."

Allen nodded his acknowledgement before returning to simply gazing down at Timcanpy.

"Has Tim been with you all this time?" Kanda asked.

"Yes," Allen said.

"It used to be more active than this," Kanda said frowning at the golem's lack of presence.

"What were we?" Allen asked suddenly looking up. Kanda stiffened, not knowing what to say. "Were we friends?" Allen clarified when he got no response.

"I guess you could say that," Kanda said with some difficulty. If he said they had been involved he had no idea what kind of reaction that would cause, and frankly if the boy had any doubts about him, there was a high chance that he'd disappear without a trace like last time.

"Was it wrong to ask that?" Allen asked "you seem to be troubled."

"No," Kanda said "it's strange is all. To be blunt, I don't know how to talk to you when you have no recollections of anything."

"I see," Allen said "I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I was asking because we seem to have been...what's the word...close?"

"You're not wrong," Kanda said.

"Do you know what happened to me?" Allen asked. Kanda's heart rate spiked at the question. Hell yeah he knew what happened; he'd lived it up until the point when Allen ran away.

"I haven't seen you in two years," Kanda said trying to avoid the question, "you just kind of fell off the map."

Allen nodded, he was well aware of the way Kanda's answer skirted the question but he figured whatever the reason the male had for doing so was grounds enough to drop the subject.

xXx

For the rest of the train ride the two remained silent, both lost in thought, replaying their conversation in their minds and looking for clues to their respective queries.

After the train pulled into the station and the two disembarked, Allen led the way through the town into the line of trees bordering the field. About a ten minute hike up the forested incline they arrived at a house. Allen hesitated only a moment – wondering if it had been the right course of action to bring Kanda here – before entering the house with Kanda at his side.

Kanda's eyes widened as he observed the front hall. There were gates that were unmistakeably created by the ark lining the walls.

"What..." Kanda didn't even know how to breech the topic and his voice died away in his throat.

"Master had me open these doors," Allen said "it makes travel easier he'd said. I don't too much care for them though."

"So he could be anywhere in the world right now?" Kanda asked.

"I can sense which door he used last," Allen said with a shrug, "but I don't see the need to go looking for him. It's more trouble than it's worth."

"When will he be back?" Kanda asked.

"I'm not sure but he doesn't usually stay out for more than a couple days without checking in," Allen said, "he says he's just making sure I don't do anything stupid."

Kanda looked at the doors and felt a sickening twist in his gut. Allen had always been pained to use the power of the ark. He'd done it that first time returning it to how it was in order to save everyone, but he was loathed to rely on the power of the Noah inside him but did what needed to be done, opening doors at the command of the higher ups.

'He did say he didn't care for them but to think that he's using that power-' Kanda's thought came to an abrupt stop as Allen's voice cut in.

"What?" Kanda asked having not heard the boy's question.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" Allen repeated, "Master may take awhile to get here."

"No, I'm fine," Kanda said as he followed the boy into what appeared to be the living room.

"You can wait here if you'd like," Allen said, about to head into the kitchen.

"Idiot apprentice, did you finally lose your mind?" Cross called as he waltzed down the hall, "talking to yourself like a fucking schizo..." Cross's voice trailed off as he entered the living room to see none other than Yuu Kanda of the Black Order sitting on his couch.

"Master this is-"

"I know who this is!" Cross snapped. "What I'd like to know is why the hell he's here."

"He was having some difficulty with some level four akuma," Allen said without flinching at the harsh tone he'd been addressed with, "I helped and apparently he knows us and wanted to speak with you."

"You damn idiot," Cross grumbled lighting a cigarette.

"Master?"

"Pour me a glass of wine and then go to sleep," Cross said "you used your innocence didn't you?" Allen nodded in confirmation before heading into the kitchen and pouring a glass of wine for Cross. Setting the long stemmed glass in front of the man on the table, Allen quickly bowed his respect to Kanda before disappearing into the hall. The soft patter of his footsteps could be heard against the wooden floor as he headed further into the house, then a door clicked shut and a heavy silence settled over the room.

"He's not the boy you knew," Cross said taking a long drag on his cigarette.

"I know that," Kanda snapped suddenly much more irritable than he'd been a moment before.

"Then why did you pursue him?" Cross asked.

"I don't know." It was a lie. He knew all too well why he couldn't just let Allen go. A million times he'd run after him; in his dreams he didn't hesitate. In his dreams Allen never left. He had sworn if he ever did find him again he wouldn't let him go, he wouldn't watch him walk out of his life again.

"Pretty stupid thing to do on impulse," Cross said balancing his cigarette between two fingers while he lifted the wine glass to his lips. Kanda didn't say anything, if he wasn't so tightly strung he'd have snapped back at the man, said all manner of profanities in his annoyance, but his thoughts kept wandering to the door leading to the hall where Allen had passed through a few minutes ago.

"I found him wandering around," Cross said, deciding to give the boy the information he came for. He'd seen the recordings in Timcanpy and knew that Allen had been involved with Kanda. He'd even seen their last conversation before Allen chose to leave. With how messed up their relationship was in the first place and then a parting like that, it wasn't surprising that Kanda hadn't thought about anything but keeping Allen within his sights. "It's like he's stuck, not yet a Noah but no longer Allen."

"How is that possible?" Kanda asked.

"I can't say, but I do know he was a blank slate when I found him, I asked him what his name was but he couldn't answer me. Something was interesting though," Cross paused recalling the conversation, "I asked him if there was anything he remembered and he said your name. Funny isn't it? That he would remember your name long after he'd forgotten his own."

Kanda's eyes widened a fraction though he remained silent. He didn't know if it was foolish but hearing that gave him hope if only the barest sliver of it.

"I told him who he was and what we do, but I didn't tell him about what he was to the Order or the Earl. He knows about both, but as far as he's concerned he's never been to the order and he's never worked under them," Cross said.

"You selfish bastard, what-"

"He isn't like you, or that apprentice bookman, or miss Lee," Cross growled impatiently, "if he'd gone back to the Order, the Vatican would have killed him." Kanda frowned, he'd known that already. He knew that even before Allen had begun to lose himself, after all, for a while there Allen was under suspicion of treason and one wrong move and Louvelier would have been too pleased to sentence him.

"Is there no way to reverse this?" Kanda asked.

"Not as far as I know, I've looked. At first I thought it would be better for him if he didn't remember the cruelty of his past but he's so hollow it's irritating," Cross said, sounding frustrated even with having to think about it, "I searched for anything that could revive that lost part of him but found nothing, there are no records of an exorcist becoming a Noah let alone one who got stuck between the transition or how to reverse it."

Kanda was silent as he thought about what Cross had said, wondering what sources the man would have consulted for such information. As far as Kanda knew only Bookman would have access to literature like that.

"You've seen him and you know what's going on now, so get out," Cross said placing his empty wine glass on the table. "And I don't think I have to remind you to stay quiet about all this."

"Che," Kanda scoffed as he stood. He didn't want to leave but he had disappeared in the middle of a mission and if he didn't get back soon things could get unpleasant. "The Moyashi said there was an innocence fragment he was supposed to deliver, where is it?"

"Tim probably has it," Cross said with a shrug, "he never leaves the brat's side. Go get it and then get out." Sighing Kanda headed out into the hall and down to the closed door which he assumed to be Allen's room. A brief knock out of habit was all the warning Kanda gave before entering the room.

It was dark, there was a piano to his right and against the far wall was Allen's bed. A smile curved up Kanda's lips as he took in Allen's lithe frame curled atop the sheets, boots kicked off at the end of the bed and jacket casually strewn on the back of a chair to the left of the bed, the boy's shirt riding up a bit to reveal a strip of pale flesh.

Kanda wanted so much to climb in next to Allen and hold the body against his, but that would have to wait. Kanda turned his cobalt gaze to the golden golem nestled into the soft snowy white of Allen's hair, almost jealous of the tiny machine.

"Oi, Timcanpy," Kanda called as softly as he could manage. The golden ball twitched to life and flew over to Kanda fluttering about in front of him in a bit of a disjoined pattern. In all appearance the machine was annoyed for having been forced away from its master's side.

"Che, I'm going now," Kanda huffed at the irritating creature, "just give me the innocence." A row of razor teeth came into view as Tim puffed up before spitting the glowing ball of light into Kanda's hand. Kanda watched as Timcanpy resumed its place in Allen's hair before he pocketed the innocence and turned to leave.

'I'll come back soon,' Kanda thought as he headed out of the remote house, 'don't disappear on me again.'

xXx

"So what really happened, Yuu?" Lavi asked grinning from ear to ear.

"What the hell are you going on about?" Kanda frowned as he placed down his chopsticks to glare at the exuberant redhead.

"You went missing for two days, the finders had no idea where you were, you didn't take a golem with you and then you show up with the innocence an-" Lavi was abruptly cut off as Kanda stood walking towards the cafeteria doors.

"Nothing happened!" Kanda snapped when Lavi didn't take the hint to leave him alone.

"Then why are you so strung up?" Lavi asked "I haven't seen you this animated since Allen was-" Kanda slammed Lavi against the wall with one hand, Mugen held against his throat with the other, a menacing look in his cobalt eyes.

"You really don't know when to shut up, do you?" Kanda near snarled. If anyone were to come up with that kind of conclusion of course it would be Lavi.

"Calm down, Yuu," Lavi said hands held up in defence.

"Che," Kanda huffed as he sheathed Mugen, "mind your own damn business."

"It's been two years, when are you going to forgive yourself?" Lavi muttered as he watched Kanda stalk off down the hall.

xXx

"Master Kanda!" the finder called searching the area, a mildly panicked sound to his voice.

'Damn nosy finder,' Kanda thought as he waited for said male to get far enough away so he could break away. Unfortunately for him, this time the mission had gone by without a hitch. There was no innocence to be spoken of and he'd taken care of the akuma, but with the rather mellow events he hadn't managed to ditch the ever persistent finder.

Once sure that he wouldn't be noticed, Kanda slipped off through the woods to the next town, not willing to take the chance that the finder might see him getting on the train in the town his mission had been in.

It was risky but he needed to see Allen again, needed to get him to remember.

xXx

"What the heck are you doing back here?" Cross asked annoyance already brewing in his veins.

"I'm not here to see _you_, so it isn't really any of your business is it?" Kanda bit out rather snappishly.

"Got quite the mouth on you," Cross smirked, "you sure as hell didn't get that from Froi." Kanda's eye twitched in irritation at the mention of his general and self-proclaimed father.

"I'm going to talk to him whether or not I have your permission to do so," Kanda growled, "if you don't get the fuck out of my way right now, I'll cut that damn smirk off your face."

A moment of tense silence passed before the smirk on the redhead's face broadened and he turned, lighting a cigarette as he walked into the house.

"Brat's asleep," Cross said as he took a seat in the living room pouring himself a glass of wine. Kanda frowned as he followed the eccentric man into the house, taking a seat across from him.

"He never used to sleep this much," Kanda murmured.

"A lot more strain is put on his body when he uses his innocence because of the Noah genes that are in him," Cross said with a shrug, "he doesn't eat nearly as much as he used to so I suppose he has to get his energy from somewhere."

"Has he-" Kanda stopped mid-question as a thud from the next room caught his attention. Looking at Cross for an answer he frowned when none was given and stood up, walking briskly into the hall, despite the man's protest.

'Really, if he didn't want me to go then he shouldn't have acted so nonchalant about it,' Kanda thought as he ignored the man, opening the door to Allen's room to see the younger boy curled up on the floor. Kanda felt an immediate tightening in his chest as he took in the trembling form of _his_ Moyashi. Tears were streaming down his face and mismatched hands were fisted in his hair tugging furiously on the white locks.

Kanda took a step into the room hesitantly before making for Allen's side only to get stopped by a large hand on his shoulder.

"Don't go near him," Cross said.

"What the fuck is going on?" Kanda snapped glaring at the man. Allen was in pain and he needed to do something to help alleviate it; that was all Kanda was thinking.

"Nothing, you should leave," Cross said trying to steer the Japanese male out of the room.

"No way in hell is that going to happen!" Kanda snapped shoving Cross's hand away. Sighing heavily Cross grabbed Kanda's wrist and forcibly yanked him from the room. "You're just going to leave him like this?"

"He'll be fine," Cross said, "I'll explain, but we can't be in here when he wakes up from this."

Back in the living room and seated across from each other, Cross watched in mild amusement as Kanda glaring heatedly at him before glancing towards the hallway, obviously wondering as to Allen's condition.

"This happens every so often. He has nightmares and it causes him pain, like his head is splitting with flashes of things," Cross started having gained Kanda's rapt attention, "and before you say anything, he's _not _remembering. Even if he calls out when he's like that, even if your name happens to fall from his lips, it's not him. It's more the memories on his innocence than anything else."

"I don't-"

"Innocence feels for its user," Cross said already knowing that Kanda would need an elaboration on the concept, "it's why emotions have such a strong effect on the power and shape of which the weapon takes, more so for parasitic users than anyone else. Allen might've told you before, that his innocence is humming or something to that effect, well that's the resonance. It's reflecting feelings to Allen and now that he's pretty much a Noah and cannot _feel_ emotion, it's hurting him...tearing at parts of him that no longer exist."

"I still don't understand," Kanda said with a frown. How was it that the innocence had memories and how could they be hurting Allen?

"Think of it this way then. When Allen began the transformation bits a piece of him began to fade or dissolve; whatever you'd like to think of it as. Now imagine that those pieces are matter, something solid that was holding a place within him. Once that's gone the space is still there, like a hole or void in him," Cross said pausing to casually sip from his wine glass. "When he feels and the associated matter isn't there to accept the feeling and elicit a response accordingly, then the feelings rub raw at the hollow place within him. The feeling is essentially tearing at those hollows as if searching for that bit of him that's been lost. That is why it hurts him. It's like trying to fill a glass with wine – only so much can go into it before it overflows. Once Allen lost the capability to feel, the emotions no longer have anything to contain it and overflow."

"Allen-"

"When he wakes up he'll be no different than when he went to sleep. He won't recall the pain or the memories and feelings being forcibly poured into him," Cross said "it's probably better this way."

"He's not remembering?" Kanda asked.

"No, he isn't," Cross said "he'll never be the same boy he was and you should stop seeking him out, for his sake as well as your own."

"I can't do that," Kanda said brows furrowed and a hard look in his cobalt eyes, "after two years of searching I finally found him. Even if he doesn't remember me, even if he can't feel...I can't lose him again."

"It's _not _him," Cross said stiffly. He hated the pitiful yearning he saw in the younger male's eyes, it was downright ridiculous.

"It is, at some level it must still be him and-"

"That thing isn't Allen!" Cross snapped. "What makes a human? Is it their body? If that's all there is then yes it's still him. But that thing is barely human anymore. Without memories, without feelings and desires, without mortal ties he isn't human. He isn't the Allen Walker you knew and there isn't anything you can do to bring him back. He may look like him and feel like him, hell he might even display qualities or mannerisms that are distinctly Allen but it _isn't_ him."

"His soul is the same," Kanda said, "he wouldn't have put himself in danger to save my life if he wasn't still Allen...if there was nothing left."

"You're so hardened to believe he'll go back to the way he was that you think you see things in him that simply aren't there," Cross said.

"Even if he doesn't go back to the way he was, I can't let him go," Kanda said, "I don't give a shit about the memories, we can make new ones. I don't care about that distance in his eyes; I'm used to it already because he's always been hiding. Though he doesn't know it and though you can't see it, I _know_ that he couldn't possibly be anything but the naïve Moyashi that wants nothing more than to save and protect."

"Stupid brat, sounding like Froi all of a sudden," Cross scoffed in amused annoyance, who'd have known that the princess with the icicle up his ass would be so adamantly sentimental.

xXx

Whispering. Allen could hear a whispering voice, slipping between the crumbled ruins. Dull grey eyes surveyed the area with interest; he had seen this place many times in his dreams. It was always cold and desolate. The nightmares came often, though the consciousness would chase away the pleading voices and the blurred images, he didn't understand the pain but he knew it would linger into his waking life, whether he recalled the dreams or not.

_Allen..._

The voice was no more familiar than the hollow reflection staring back at him from the waters edge. He could not tell what was real. There was a moon in the water, it was black like tar. Behind the twisted grinning figure of his reflection was a forest, trees of the purest white. Withered? Dried and dying? No, simply dormant.

Looking up to the sky Allen saw a gorgeous disc of ethereal silver. And the only things behind him were fragments of what must've once been something important.

_Allen, you have slipped away...too far away...can you no longer hear my voice?_

The voice sounded so close and then so very distant, sometimes so close he could swear he could feel a breath on his neck. He tried to speak but no sound came out. He wasn't surprised. Then the sound of sobbing met his ears. A desperate screeching of reed against taught wire, a terrible weeping. It was the wailing of a final strained note, an evening song that had once been his own.

_Remember, won't you return to me Allen?_

Allen's glassy grey eyes stared blankly ahead, there was only darkness; the world he had seen was no longer there. The pain and his tears long since ceased. He wasn't sure how long he'd been in that state, neither conscious nor unconscious. The sensation was like drifting underwater, swimming slowly up through the translucent green-blue liquid, closer and closer to the surface there is a patch of light glimmering over the rippling facade, not quite reaching him at his depth. There were voices too, but he could not make out what they were saying.

Then he was choking, coughing, sputtering for air. Not drowning, but waking. And there he was, confused at the concerned cobalt eyes staring at him and the back of the man he called master. Neither occupant of the room said anything to the boy as he sat up.

Allen didn't really know what to make of the two men in his room and was about to ask as to the reason they were there when loud jarring sounds shattered the room and phantoms around him. Gold flecked silver eyes blinked open, as the boy wearily rubbed at them to clear his sleep hazed vision.

'The ceiling looks much higher than it normally does,' Allen thought only vaguely aware of the hardness beneath him that was most definitely _not_ his bed. Sitting up he registered the fact that he was on the floor and sighed, it hadn't been the first time this had happened but he still wondered why it was some days he'd wake up on the floor, looking quite distraught with trails of dried tears on his somewhat flushed cheeks.

Shrugging he stood, dusting himself off before staggering out of his room and down the hall to the bathroom. Dull eyes stared listlessly into the mirror image, wondering as to the strange cotton like fluff filling his mind. It was always like this, on days he'd wake up on the floor especially, a fog blanketed his thoughts, he could never recall anything of his dreams.

Leaning over the sink, Allen cupped his hands under the faucet and splashed his face with water. Loud voices drew his attention as he turned off the faucet, looking towards the door. Recalling that the reason he'd woken up had been these loud noises he dried his face and headed out to see what the ruckus was about.

"Master who are you-" Allen cut himself off as Kanda turned in his seat to face the boy who'd just entered the room, "Oh Kanda, hello again."

"How have you been?" Kanda asked frowning at the rather sickly pallor to Allen's skin.

"Well, thank you," Allen said almost habitually as he took a seat beside Kanda on the couch. "What brings you back here?"

"I..." Kanda glanced at Cross, unsure of what he should say. Unsurprisingly the man simply took another sip of his wine giving no more of an answer to the boy's silent question than a shrug. "I was on a mission in the area." Allen nodded acknowledging the statement.

"Would you like some tea?" Allen asked as he stood and headed towards the kitchen.

"No, I'm quite alright, don't bother yourself," Kanda said though the boy had already put the water to boil.

"It's no trouble at all," Allen said as he opened a cupboard and produced two tea cups and placed them on a serving tray along with a teapot and small canister of tea leaves.

"Idiot apprentice, quit being so hospitable, he's no guest," Cross muttered "he was just leaving anyway." Kanda shot the man a glare but nodded in affirmation of the man's statement, he really should head back before anyone started to get suspicious about his whereabouts.

"Will you be coming by again?" Allen asked. If not for the unmistakeably empty tone in the boy's voice, Kanda would have taken the question to be hopeful.

"Whenever I have the chance," Kanda said meeting Allen's gaze with his own.

True to his word, every time Kanda was sent out on a mission he'd find a way to slip off to visit Allen. Sometimes Cross was there and would snap at him for his apparent idiocy, but most times the man was off being a despicable womanizer in various cities around the world. His visits were always short, and the conversations he had with Allen were never anything substantial. He wanted Allen to remember but no matter what he talked about, nothing seemed to spark any sort of recognition in the younger boy.

Though his expression never changed, Kanda was quite sure that his visits had become somewhat of a routine for Allen. One time he'd walked into the house and there was already tea on the table and Allen was waiting while tugging at Timcanpy's wings like he used to. Kanda still didn't know how Allen knew he was coming or why he'd suddenly taken to one of his old habits, but he'd entertained the idea that Allen had been anxiously waiting for him to come by – no matter how far fetched it seemed.

xXx

Each time Kanda would go back to the Order and would act as though nothing had happened. Most were afraid of his volatile temper and didn't dare ask about why he often disappeared on missions, for those who did ask, Lavi and Komui for instance, he would shrug and say it's not his fault the finders are too inept to keep up with him. That usually satisfied everyone.

Recently however, there hadn't been any missions and he was restless. His thoughts were a chaotic whirlwind of questions, worry and longing. It had been almost two months without any missions turning up and he was going out of his mind just waiting.

Every waking moment was spent thinking about Allen and ways he might be able to get through to him – even if he couldn't get his memories back, to at least get him to experience the full range of human emotions again. His dreams were filled only with wishes, fantasies of past encounters and ones yet to be had. He dreamt of warm bodies dancing together in passion, kisses to pale skin and hands clutching at him desperately as he drove the smaller body beneath his to new heights. Then he'd wake up flushed and flustered, sweat on his brow, stained sheets and the coldness of the empty room.

It was maddening.

"Yuu, you've been really out of it lately," Lavi said "is everything alright?"

"Che," Kanda stalked past the apprentice Bookman. Lavi was the only one who wasn't won over by his callous attitude and all too predictable answers. Kanda felt like he was always walking on thin ice with Lavi, fearful of saying something that might lead him to the conclusion that Allen was the reason he kept disappearing on missions. Lavi was Allen's friend and being a Bookman he had no obligation to report anything to the Order, but Kanda couldn't take the chance.

The weeks continued to pass without any missions turning up and Kanda was just a few days away from screwing the Order to hell and just disappearing. He needed to see Allen again, he had to go back, but he could only do so if he was sent on a mission.

"Kanda," Lenalee called from the doorway of the training hall, a tray of coffee in her hands, "my brother wants to see you in his office."

'About damn time,' Kanda thought, the tension already lessening.

xXx

"Kanda, what are you doing here?" Allen asked as he continued to dress the gaping wound on his side.

"I needed to talk to you, but that aside, what happened?" Kanda asked approaching the smaller boy.

"Some strange guy with grey skin in a gaudy outfit shot me with some sort of exploding bullet," Allen said with a shrug looking curiously as Kanda soaked a cloth and crouched at his side to clean the wound and stop the bleeding.

"What are you doing?"

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing," Kanda snapped "and who the hell taught you first aid? You have to stop the bleeding before you bandage it baka."

"It had stopped, then I turned to see you and it started again-" Allen said as the pressure on his side evoked the barest tingle of dizzied pleasure within him.

"Che, then obviously it wasn't properly stopped," Kanda scoffed.

Once the bleeding had stopped Kanda bandaged him up, Kanda looked up to meet two dull sterling eyes with golden flecks tarnishing their purity. He got closer, watching the blank expression, vivid images from his nightly fantasies coming to mind – just wanting to push the boy down and kiss him until they could no longer breathe and their lungs burned.

"Kanda?"

"Shut up," Kanda grunted tugging Allen forward into a kiss, it had been too long and still it wasn't enough, he wanted Allen to kiss back but the boy was motionless like a statue. Breaking away Kanda found no expression on Allen's face or in his cloudy grey eyes.

"Do you want something from me, Kanda?" Allen asked seemingly unphased by the action. He wanted him so much...even if he didn't remember.

"If I said yes?"

"I don't understand the look in your eyes," Allen said "it's not lust, I've seen lust and that isn't it."

Shock registered in Kanda's eyes. Taking a breath he schooled his features and looked seriously at Allen, "do you trust me?"

"Trust?" Allen cocked his head to the side in thought, "I don't understand." Kanda would have smiled at the childish action if it hadn't been accompanied by such a blank expression.

"Could you leave your life in my hands without a thought and simply know that I would protect you?" Kanda asked.

"Protect...my life? You...yes, I suppose I could," Allen said with some difficulty in grasping the idea that Kanda was trying to get across.

"Then I need to tell you something that I should have told you as soon as I saw you, even before that," Kanda paused, "you and I were lovers Allen and I know it's late but I lov-" Kanda cut himself short noting the slight strain in Allen's expression.

"I don't..." Allen's eyes widened as he felt a tearing within him, like his soul was ripping apart. Letting out an agonized scream his hands flew to his head, threading in his hair as he crumbled in on himself.

"O-oi Allen!" Kanda had no idea what to do, mentally cursing himself for eliciting this kind of pain from the boy he'd wanted nothing more than to protect.

"You just could leave it alone could you?" Cross said from the door, drawing Kanda's attention. There was an unmistakeably annoyed look on his face as he brushed past Kanda and tugged Allen into his arms, restraining the writing boy. Working one arm around Allen's neck, Cross applied pressure consistently until the boy's eyes fell shut and his body went limp. "Fucking idiot, I told you-"

"I don't give a damn about what you told me, you fucking prick!" Kanda snapped, the emotions raging in him too much to subdue.

"So you'll make him suffer because you're selfish?" Cross asked with a dark look in his eyes, "if you want to screw him then do it, but don't tell him things that you know will hurt him."

Cross laid Allen back on the bed before leaving the navy haired male alone to his thoughts. A few minutes passed before Kanda decided to move, dragging a chair to Allen's bedside and slumping into it unceremoniously. He knew he should go back, that he'd spent too much time away from his mission already, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. Especially after sending the boy he loved into a fit.

He'd go. After Allen awoke, he'd apologize and then he'd leave.

xXx

When Allen woke, he found himself staring at a dark figure in the shadows of his room, asleep on the chair next to his bed. Blinking a couple times, Allen took note of the long navy locks and the gorgeous and ever so stiff features of the male's face.

Allen really couldn't place the emotion he'd see in Kanda's eyes. When Cross looked at him, he could clearly see annoyance, when some villagers saw him he could see disgust or fear, but Kanda had a dull sheen of indifference barely masking the unnameable feelings beneath it. Allen recalled the first time he had seen Kanda, the disbelief and joy that was there hadn't made sense, no one had ever looked so...happy to see him.

Throughout Kanda's visits Allen took note of many things. From the way the man always seemed to be on edge, to the sarcastic remarks he just couldn't help but make. Then there was the concern and the strange softening of the man's expression, even the violent dip of his navy brows as he reprimanded Allen for his carelessness in battle.

Shaking his head to clear the thoughts, Allen sighed as he slid from the bed, ignoring the stinging pain in his side.

His feet made soft pattering sounds as he made his way to the kitchen, leaving Kanda alone in the room.

xXx

Kanda woke to a sweet grassy smell. Cracking his eyes open, Kanda registered Allen's presence to his left and the steaming cup of tea he had held out to him. Kanda looked up at the boy curiously; he hadn't realized how tired he must've been to have not noticed when Allen woke up.

"It's a bit sweeter than you're used to, but I ran out of green tea leaves," Allen said waiting patiently for Kanda to take the offered beverage.

"Thanks," Kanda muttered as he took the cup, warmth instantly diffusing from the porcelain into him. There was a long period of silence as Allen took a seat on the edge of his bed sipping slowly from his own cup of tea.

"About earlier," Kanda started gazing into the rich amber coloured liquid as it sloshed up the sides of the cup, "I'm sorry."

"What is it you're apologizing for?" Allen asked, now rather confused. He recalled Kanda coming to visit and dressing his wound and the kiss... but then everything after that was hazy until he woke up with Kanda asleep next to him.

'He doesn't remember,' Kanda thought as he stiffened, his grip on the cup tightening. For some reason, having him forget hurt much more than having to apologize.

"It's nothing," Kanda said head bowed a bit, dark bangs casting shadows over his face and hiding his expression, "I should go."

Without another word Kanda stood, setting the untouched tea on the bedside table before heading out of the house. Unknown to the young samurai, Allen had instinctively found himself following after him, stopping in the door frame and staring after the man's retreating back, a painful throbbing making itself known in his chest.

xXx

'What the hell is this?' Allen wondered trying to comprehend the flash he'd seen in his mind. It was blurry and the edges of the image were smudged and hazy like a dream sequence. There were people he didn't know and there was Kanda standing off to the side looking at him with those same piercing eyes. Allen felt a jolt of pain streak through his body, making his head throb violently.

_Moyashi_

'Kanda's voice?' Allen's eyes widened, pupils narrowing to pinpoints. He wrapped his arms around himself instinctively, as if to ward away the ache seeping into him through the strange apparitions in his mind.

_Allen_

A soft female voice attached to the blurred image of a welcoming smile.

_Shounen_

A light carefree voice associated with the widely grinning, scruffy vagabond in some train car, and the smell of cigarette smoke that clung to his clothes.

_Allen Walker_

A cold, unsettling voice coming from a strange stocky man in a top hat.

_Walker_

A cold voice accompanied by even colder, condescending eyes that belonged to a stiff-backed man.

Hands threading through his hair, Allen clutched at his head, tugging hard on the silky snow white strands. So out of it he was, he didn't even notice when the door opened or when a voice asked what's wrong. He didn't even notice when arms encircled him and gently began to rock him, while brushing away tears. Had he been crying? Was he even capable of such a thing?

'What is-'

"Damn it, say something!" Kanda growled shattering the images, fragments falling around a trembling child with white hair and sorrowful silver eyes. Gold flecked eyes came into focus, to see a well of concerned cobalt.

"Kanda?"

"What the fuck happened to you?" Kanda asked, brows creased together in worry.

"I- I don't know," Allen said looking down at his innocence; the cross's glow was dimming.

'Is it because of this?' Allen wondered. Kanda followed Allen's gaze to the cross embedded into the back of the black hand recalling what Cross had told him before.

_His innocence is the only thing that's left of Allen. It resonates with his memories but his body cannot process them, cannot make sense of them so it hurts him._

'Che, bastard said that it only happens when he's sleeping,' Kanda mentally cursed.

"Are you alright?" Kanda asked, to which he was met with a blank nod.

xXx

"Is it alright for you to be staying here for this long?" Allen asked after the seventh hour had passed, Kanda not making any show of leaving.

"Yeah," Kanda said. It really wasn't alright, but he felt at ease being by Allen's side and didn't want to relinquish that feeling just yet.

"Then would you like to go for a walk?" Allen asked. "We could head into town for a bit." Kanda nodded, it was a nice change from always sitting around and drinking tea.

Their walk through the forest was silent, and Kanda found that he missed small things like this just as much as he missed holding his lover. Allen led Kanda around through the town feeling rather soothed by his presence. Allen had spent little time anywhere but in the house, having no reason to do anything else, but he found that he rather enjoyed walking aimlessly through the town with Kanda.

"Are you hungry?" Allen asked to which Kanda merely shrugged, "we could eat here if you'd like, or I could make something back at the house."

"You'd cook for me?" Kanda smirked lightly at the thought.

"Yes, though I'm not all that good in the kitchen, I've managed to last this long so I must be doing something right," Allen said. Cobalt eyes widened at the rather snappy remark, and for a moment he could have sworn it was _his_ Allen walking beside him again with a bright grin on his childish features.

"Well then chef, one order of soba," Kanda said a light lilt to his voice, fighting down the smile that wanted to twist up his lips.

xXx

"How is it?" Allen asked as Kanda took his first bit of the dish the younger boy had prepared.

"I was kind of worried because your presentation was rather poor, but it tastes good," Kanda said, "then again you can't really screw up boiling some noodles, can you?"

"Perhaps not," Allen said indifferently. Kanda mentally sighed at the response; he'd purposely tried to raise some playful banter from the boy, but that had been a rather unsuccessful endeavour. After the one comment in town, he'd acted a bit more relaxed around Allen, making light-hearted quips that used to get a rise out of his young lover. The closest he'd gotten was when Allen had come back through one of the portals leading to Japan with soba noodles to boil.

"_Why the hell did you go to Japan?" Kanda asked._

"_Where else did you expect me to get those particular noodles you wanted, China?" Allen retorted calmly as he headed past the older male into the kitchen. _

"You don't eat much do you?" Kanda asked noting the small portion of food Allen had taken out for himself.

"I suppose not," Allen said "I don't feel all that hungry a lot of the time." It was strange but Kanda just attributed the change in his eating habits to the fact that he was part Noah – it was the only viable explanation.

xXx

'I wonder if he'll be coming by today,' Allen thought as he watched the rain failing through the window. It had been seventeen days since Kanda's last visit, during that time Allen had gone on a quick assignment for Cross. Usually Allen insisted on taking normal means of transportation, no matter how much longer it made these assignments, but he'd been using the ark gates more frequently in order to return as quickly as possible, not wanting to be away if Kanda came by to visit.

Cross had been surprised at first when he noticed Allen travelling via the ark gates but had said nothing about it, choosing to be amused in silence. He had to say that this kind of Allen, no matter how hollow was much more tolerable than the one with no presence whatsoever.

Allen shifted his gaze up to the golden golem nestled in his hair and reached up to tug Timcanpy down by his tail.

"Do you think he's going to come today?" Allen asked the tiny machine turning his back to the window.

"Are you talking about me?" Kanda asked, elegant navy brow arched in question as he entered the house.

"Kanda," Allen whipped around to see the older male pushing the door closed, hair and clothes sopping wet. "You're wet."

"No shit," Kanda smirked, "it is raining." Allen said nothing as he disappeared into a side room, coming out with a couple towels and a pair of slacks.

"You should dry off," Allen said. Taking the offered items Kanda stripped off his coat and hung it by the door. He next made to remove his form-fitting navy vest but Allen put a hand on his to stop him. "You can change in my room."

"I didn't think you'd be too pleased with me dripping all over the floor," Kanda said revelling in the warmth of Allen's hand over his own.

"It's just water, it'll dry," Allen said simply, "but I don't know what will happen if Master comes back and you're stripping in the hall."

The corners of Kanda's lips quirked up into a bit of smile at the comment and followed Allen down the hall into his room. Allen sat cross-legged on his bed while he waited for the navy haired male to finish changing. Once done, Kanda tossed the damp towel at the back of Allen's head smirking triumphantly at the bit of a pout that somehow made its way to the boy's face as he turned to him.

"That was uncalled for," Allen said. Dull grey eyes fell from the smirking face of the young samurai to the fading ink pattern on his chest. Blinking Allen observed it with interest from his distance.

"What is it?" Kanda asked noticing the extra attention that was fixed on him. The slender boy moved closer, pale fingers feathering over the remnant of the lotus curse.

"A curse," Allen muttered softly.

"Is that a question or a statement?" Kanda asked.

"It's fading, is it gone?" Allen asked as he looked up to meet smouldering cobalt.

"Yes, around a year ago," Kanda said thinking back to the event. He'd been dragged back from one of his searches for Allen. Komui had told him not to go anywhere, how he only had a single lotus petal left and they couldn't take the chance that he would die. A month later and apparently many hours of hard research and planning on Komui's part and he devised a way in which to sever the man's connection with the flower. And he did.

Now in battle Kanda had to be weary of injury just like everyone else. He was still different but his wounds no longer healed as fast. He found the wait to be painfully dull and only now that it was gone, did he appreciate the extra strength the flower had once given him.

Now that Kanda thought about it, the loss of his curse was the reason he had been fighting in such a guarded manner with the akuma the day that Allen had dropped out of nowhere to save him.

"Was it painful?" Allen asked, gaze returning to the ink markings, tracing the black tendrils from Kanda's left pectoral up to his shoulder. Kanda's breath caught in his throat, stifling a groan of pleasure at the gentle touches.

"Kanda?" Allen paused in his examination of the tattoo when the man didn't reply.

"Don't stop," Kanda whispered clasping his hand over Allen's and pressing the boy's hand flush against his skin – God how he'd missed the feel of Allen's touch.

Allen blinked, his expression blank as he studied the older male. Kanda's eyes were closed, breathing hitched as he forcibly restrained the rumbling of pleasure in his chest. If Allen were to describe the look with one word, it would be nostalgic. Allen slowly slid his hand up over the warm flesh of Kanda's skin and lower feeling the increased heart rate pusling through his fingertips.

"Kanda."

Clouded over cobalt eyes filled with longing and need bored into Allen's gold flecked ones, as the older male gently tilted the boy's chin up with his thumb and forefinger. 'What the fuck did you do to me, Moyashi?' Kanda thought as he admired the ivory skin, 'making me crave you like this...'

Allen felt an uncomfortable tightening in his chest and pulled away from Kanda. Desperation flickered across Kanda's gaze as he reached for the retreating male only to come to his senses a moment later and retracted his hand.

"Kanda, I-"

"I'm not sorry," Kanda said looking off to the side, "you make me need you."

The barest flicker of yearning passed over Allen's gaze, but was gone before either could register the emotion.

"How long are you staying this time?" Allen asked walking past Kanda to the door. Kanda's hand shot out, calloused fingers wrapping around Allen's wrist and jerking him to a stop.

"No tea," Kanda said.

"Then what-"

"I'll be leaving at daybreak," Kanda said, "until then just let me hold you." Though his voice was firm and betrayed none of the uncertainty he was feeling, to Allen he may as well have been on his knees begging. The snowy haired male couldn't understand the vulnerability he saw in the older male, nor why he wished to hold him.

Taking Allen's silence as a rejection to his request Kanda released the boy's wrist, hand falling to his side limply. He felt so foolish, falling apart like this in front of the boy. It wasn't Allen's fault, the boy simply didn't understand...

"Like this?" Allen asked startling the male as he leaned back against Kanda bringing his arms around in a loose embrace.

Once over his shock, Kanda tightened his hold around Allen bringing the boy flush against him. Resting his chin on Allen's shoulder, Kanda breathed in the smell of soap that clung to the snowy locks.

"Yeah," Kanda mumbled as he angled his head, lips brushing against the boy's neck, "just like this."

xXx

"Kanda," Lenalee called as she jogged over to walk with him a grin on her face, "you seem to be in a good mood. Something happen?" They had both just returned from theire respective missions. Kanda was, to say the least, elated from having held Allen all night long. Apparently, even with his default scowl firmly in place, he was exuding a joy he hadn't felt in years.

"Che," Kanda scoffed, "what the hell could have happened? Your idiot brother sent me on another wild goose chase; there wasn't even a single akuma to say I got some practice in, a complete waste of my time."

"Is that right?" Lenalee asked though her smile didn't fade, "my mistake then."

"Oi, what-"

"I'll see you later, Kanda," Lenalee called as she ran off. 'If he found Allen, he should have at least told me,' Lenalee thought feeling happy for her friend.

'There's no way she could make the connection,' Kanda thought as he watched the girl disappear down the hall towards the science labs and Komui's office. Shrugging he headed to his room, he could give his mission report later – not that there was anything to report.

As Kanda neared his room, he caught sight of a blur of red and instantly changed course in the opposite direction – like hell he wanted to deal with Lavi first thing when he got back. He already felt his mood dampening at the thought. Kanda heaved a sigh as he heard the sing-song voice of his commrade whilst said male bounded down the hall towards him.

"Yuu!" Lavi called grinning brightly as he launched himself at Kanda, slaming the breaks on and hands instinctively rising up in defnese as Mugen was pointed threateningly at him.

"Keep your distance, baka Usagi," Kanda snapped.

"Oh come on, you just got back and you're already pissed at me?" Lavi laughed nervously, "There's something not right about that."

"Whatever," Kanda scoffed as he sheathed Mugen making to head past Lavi. The redhead blinked a couple times, following Kanda with his gaze a couple feet before something clicked.

"Eh, that's it?" Lavi asked running to catch up to Kanda, quickly falling into step at his side, "no, _if you don't shut up I'll take care of that other eye of yours, _or,_ I could introduce you to some methods of torture that makes death look like salvation_?" Lavi asked putting on his best Kanda impression.

Kanda's eye twitched in annoyance as he continued to walk, trying his best to ignore Lavi's incessant chattering.

"...Allen this way," Lavi pouted, the name instantly drawing Kanda's attention as he turned his gaze to Lavi, catching him by the collar of his shirt.

"What was that?" Kanda growled, brows knititng together as his gaze hardened on the once again defensive redheaded male.

"I just said that you wouldn't treat Allen this way," Lavi shrugged, "you disagree?"

"Che, doesn't mattereither way, he's not here," Kanda snapped.

"That may be true in a physical sense but he's always just over your shoulder," Lavi said as Kanda released him. "Face it Yuu, ever since Allen left, you've been in a rut. Lately you've been a lot more animated, but you're always on missions and when you're here you act like you've got Mugen shoved up your ass."

"Shut up and go away," Kanda barked angrily at the comment.

"Just tell me one thing before you go off to brood or kill someone," Lavi said leaning in next to Kanda's ear, "is he alright?" Kanda stiffened at the whispered question and shoved Lavi away from him, stalking away without another word.

xXx

"Another mission?" Kanda asked surprised at how soon he was being sent out, not that he was opposed to the idea – it just meant he'd get to visit Allen sooner than he'd expected.

"Yes, I know you just got back, but Lavi left with Bookman earlier this morning and I can't possibly send my precious Lenalee away again so soon," Komui wailed at the mere thought of it.

"Where is it?" Kanda asked ignoring the useless blather.

"There had been a lot of akuma activity in Madrid over the past couple of weeks and we have reason to believe that this is because of innocence," Komui said reading over the main points from an open file on his desk, "your train leaves at noon."

Kanda heaved a heavy sigh at what appeared to be the makings of a very troublesome mission and headed off to his room to get ready. Kanda donned his traveling cloak over his exorcist coat, affixed Mugen to his side and slung his bag over his shoulder before heading down to the docks.

xXx

The scenery passed by as a blur of muddled greens and browns, bleeding in with the pale blue-grey of the sky. Cobalt eyes traced the dusty pane of glass absently registering the rickety clinking of the wheels against the tracks, a dissonant harmony in the otherwise silent train compartment.

'What goes through his mind?' Kanda wondered, 'sometimes I could swear he's rememebring.' It had been hard to see at first, but the more time Kanda spent with Allen, the more he could pick out things about the boy – little quips and habits – things that were clearly a consequence of emotion.

A knock at the door drew Kanda from his thoughts; he wasn't travelling with a finder so no one should be disturbing him.

"It's open," Kanda called, the door sliding open to reveal a snowy head of hair and emotionless gold flecked wells of grey, set into flawless porcelain skin. After a moment of shocked silence Kanda was up yanking Allen into the cabin and slamming the door shut, clicking the lock into place.

"What the hell are you doing here? Someone might see you!" Kanda snapped.

"Master told me that you were going on a mission and that I should accompany you," Allen replied, not ruffled in the least by Kanda's tense tone.

"Why the fuck would he tell you to do that, and how the heck did he know about my mission anway? _I_ just found out about it," Kanda grumbled.

"You seem upset," Allen said.

"Upset? Of course I'm upset!" Kanda snapped. "You're a stone's throw away from a group of people wouldn't think twice about locking you up or killing you!"

"I've been following you since you stepped off the docks," Allen said "I assure you no one saw me." Kanda fell silent as he took a deep breath to ground himself.

"Did Cross say why he wanted you to join me on this mission?" Kanda asked.

"No," Allen said.

Kanda couldn't say that the idea of being able to go on a mission with Allen like in the past didn't stir his blood or set his heart racing with excitement, but it was far too risky. If the Vatican caught wind of Allen's presance then there was a high chance that he'd lose him.

xXx

Dull grey eyes followed Kanda's movements across the room. He was restless, pacing back and forth, back and forth across the wooden floor in front of the bed. Allen didn't know why but for some reason seeing the older male so agitated was rather unsettling for him. Kanda's mind was in chaos. He knew that he'd been spending too much time away from the Order. Komui wouldn't do anythign about it but central was less likely to forgive misgrievances like his frequent disappearances should they become suspicious of something.

Cross was right about the Vatican and Kanda was well aware that he was putting Allen in danger simply from consorting with him. And now the boy was accompanying him on a mission, courtesy of Cross's stupidity. The man had insisted that Kanda stayed away from Allen and yet that same man had decided to send said boy to the very person he'd wanted him to stay away from. What kind of fucked up logic lead to an outcome like that? What the hell had the renegade been thinking?

"Listen, I want you to stay out of sight and keep your hair covered at all times," Kanda said pausing in his pacing, "and keep your distance from me when we're out." Allen quirked a brow in unspoken question at the peciuliar orders, patiently awaiting an explaination.

"I can't be certain but there should be a few finders in this town and if they see you it would be...problematic," Kanda said "can you promise me you won-"

"Is this worry?" Allen asked.

"Excuse me?" Kanda's brows furrowed at the question.

"This emotion, your anxiousness and agitation, is that worry?" Allen asked "are you fearing for my safety?"

"Che," Kanda grunted as he yanked Allen into an embrace, "don't say it like that."

"I don't understand."

"I know you don't," Kanda said "I know..."

"I'm sorry," Allen said hesitantly bringing his arms up to mimic Kanda in returning the embrace.

'It's still him,' Kanda thought, 'only he is capable of making me need him so much. Only he would do whatever he could for someone else...returning an embrace though he felt nothing, and apologizing though he didn't know what for...it's all him.'

xXx

How they'd ended up fighting againt members of the Noah family was a bit unclear. There was a day of fruitless searching in town, and then there was a heavy silence when they'd returned to the inn before the floors became clouds and the pastel colored walls bled into ivory oceans dotted with indigo stars.

"Shit," Kanda cursed forcing the Bonds of Noah away. He'd heard about their abilities when becoming one entity but had wished he'd paid more attention while Lavi was blabbing on about it. Sparing a glance to the other end of the rather fucked up dream world he could see Allen fighting the Pleasure of Noah, whilst the Dreams of Noah calmly sat off to the side watching the exchange in amusement.

Three Noah at once...God really did have a sick sense of humour.

Another bullet dodged and another eviceration evaded, the samurai's dance persisted. Even with his second illusion invoked getting close to the Noah was proving to be rather difficult – being able to materialize things from a distance and having hair that acted as its own weapon with nothing more than a thought from the Noah were two abilities that Kanda wouldn't have minded never witnessing first hand.

'Damn I'm sick of these games,' Kanda thought as he ran at the Noah, dashing up to him, sword drawn and ready to strike only to glance Allen's way and pull back just enough to give he impression that he was going to run to Allen's aid. Once sure the Noah was going to attack from his back, Kanda swung around and sliced both swords through the body. A blast of energy sent Kanda flying back into the wall. Shaking his head and standing, Kanda frowned as he noted that his opponent had turned tail and ran.

xXx

"It's a shame you don't remember," Tyki said as he phased through the floor coming up behind Allen, "we had some really good times."

"Won't you come with us, Allen?" Rhode asked "Those cruel exorcists brainwashed you. They stripped you of all your memories and have been lying to you and still you won't come home?"

"I don't know who you are but I'm quite sure that I'd never consider a place with people like you home," Allen said dully as he countered Tyki's attack bringing his clawed hand down, shredding the Tease that were blocking him from his goal.

"So damn stubborn even like this," Rhode frowned. Turning her golden gaze over to where Kanda had been fighting Jasdevi she found that said Noah was no longer there and that Kanda was hastily making his way towards them.

"Tyki's playing with Allen now," Rhode grinned as she dropped down in front of Kanda, blocking his path, "I won't let you interfere."

Kanda didn't hesitate as he lunged at her, after all he still had to repay the favor for the time she'd strung him up to use as bait for Allen.

"Do you hate me for what I did to you? Or is that murderous look because you can't stand the thought of what Allen means to me?" Rhode asked smiling.

"Sorry to disappoint but you don't warrant much more thought than, stupid bitch talks too much," Kanda spat as he crossed the blade and sheathe in front of him only for her to float out of reach.

"Is that so?" Rhode smirked, "unfortunately for you, you can't even touch me, whereas _I_ don't even need to try in order to kill you." In that moment tens of spiraled candles pierced Kanda's hands, knocking Mugen to the ground. The firey blue aura surounding his weapon dimmed until it was completely estinguished, Kanda's eyes wide at the sting of pain in his hands where two candles were now lodged.

"And for that matter, Tyki doesn't have to try either," Rhode said just as the Pleasure of Noah phased through the ground in front of Kanda hand shooting forward to pierce into the samurai's body. In the split second of realization that this was going to be the end of him, Allen dashed in front of him, Tyki's hand disappearing into the boy's chest.

A deafening silence fell over the group, cobalt eyes widened in shock staring down at Allen's crumbling form. Pale lips were parted, breathing laboured and hollow grey eyes wide but seeing nothing but black.

"Oh look Allen saved him," Rhode exclaimed "Tyki you really shouldn't have hurt him like that though."

"Allen," Kanda said as the boy threw up blood. There was no wound. Tyki had just yanked his hand from Allen's chest but there was nothing. Allen had taken the blow that had been meant for him. Why?

"I'm fine," Allen wheezed, pale hand trembling as his eyes brightened to gold, a cruel violent color. And things began to fall apart – the dream world around them began to unravel. Rhode's eyes widened before narrowing darkly. There was no piano, no song falling from Allen's lips, and yet a haunting melody danced through the air, the boy's innocence glowing violently in protest. Kanda had never felt a killing intent off Allen this strong and bothersome before. Allen felt many things but hatred was not one of them.

The world was gone and they were once again in the room at the inn. Rhode and Tyki were writhing on the ground holding their heads in pain. 'What the hell is this?' Kanda wondered as a dream door appeared, it was flickering though, in and out like it was taking all of the Noah's power to keep it there.

The Earl appeared with a dark grin on his face a horde of akuma swarming at Allen and exploding breaking whatever spell he'd cast on the two and allowing them enough of a reprieve to escape.

"This isn't over, Allen Walker," the Earl chuckled and then he was gone.

Golden eyes faded to hollow grey and Allen's trembling increased, clutching at his innocence. It was as if the blackened flesh had begun to burn away, blood vessels burst, blood spilling down his arm, painting the still angry glow of the cross in black.

Kanda didn't know what to make of it and settled for bringing Allen's trembling form into his arms, ignoring the twitch of pain in his hands – it wasn't serious, he'd experienced much worse.

"We're going to Cross, just hold out until then okay," Kanda said.

"No," Allen breathed heavily.

"What the heck do you mean no?" Kanda snapped "you're-"

"Master will be angry," Allen murmured, right hand gripping Kanda's forearm – a gesture of pleading.

Kanda was torn on the situation, "what do you want me to do? I can't just leave you like this."

"I just need a day…I'll be better…just give me a day," Allen made out between gasps.

"I'm going to need answers," Kanda said. A weak nod was Allen's only response as his vision blurred, it had become difficult for him to just breathe let alone remain conscious. "Where to?"

"Here's fine," Allen said fighting back the encroaching darkness.

"But there's a gaping hole in the wall," Kanda said glancing over to the splintered wood and broken glass resulting from the self-destructing akuma. No sooner had he said that did things begin to rebuild, pieces of splintered wood and glass rising from the floor and becoming whole as if nothing had happened. It was a much softer melody but Kanda knew it had come from Allen.

Once complete Allen was thrown into a fit of coughing, Kanda rubbing soothing circles on his back, hoping to ease the pain in any way he could.

"I don't want you to use that power anymore," Kanda said sternly as he laid Allen down on the bed. Dazed eyes followed Kanda's movements around the room until the navy haired male settled himself on the edge of the bed a small basin of water on the chair he'd dragged over, a cloth hanging over the rim and rolls of bandages next to it.

"If you're tired you can sleep," Kanda said as he undid the buttons on Allen's shirt and eased it off his shoulders, leaving the boy's upper body bare. Allen shivered as the cool air of the room leeched warmth from his skin.

Dampening the washcloth, Kanda gently cleaned the skin of Allen's left arm, carefully sliding the cloth between each of the boy's fingers and washing away the flaking obsidian blood. Even clean the apendage looked terrible, the veins in the boy's hand were strained around the cross, his fingers were twitching slightly from obviously damaged nerves, and the flesh from around the cross up to his elbow was cracked and shiriveled so much so that the raw muscle was visible in some areas.

Setting the washcloth aside, Kanda picked up a roll of bandages and carefully began to wrap Allen's arm. Once finished Kanda brought the bandaged apendage to his lips and pressed a chaste kiss to the cross. 'Please don't hurt him anymore.'

Kanda looked over the skin of Allen's chest and found no sign of where the Noah had tugged his hand free. Frowning, Kanda looked up to see hazy eyes staring at him, though with the glassy sheen over them, it was likely that Allen wasn't seeing much of anything at the moment.

"Can you hear me?" Kanda asked cupping Allen's cheek in his hand, a nod was his answer. "Can you tell me where you feel the most pain, that Noah-"

"I'll live," Allen said with some difficulty.

"He ripped his hand from your chest and you were coughing up blood," Kanda said, brows furrowed in worry, "I can't see the injury so I need you to tell me about it so I can help as best as I can."

"It'll heal," Allen murmured, eyelids feeling heavy, "missed my organs..."

"Allen," Kanda sighed as he carded his fingers through Allen's hair, brushing back the locks from the sleeping boy's face.

xXx

"Answers now," Kanda demanded.

"What do you want to know?" Allen asked, breaths short and shallow, but consistent.

"I want to know what that was back there," Kanda said "that music and your arm."

"There's not much to tell, just abilities unique to the fourteenth Noah, that's what Master told me," Allen said. "They conflict with the innocence, so naturally this is a result of using those powers," Allen lifted up his left arm indicating the "result" he was speaking of.

"If it hurts you, why do you do it?" Kanda asked, "this isn't the first time."

"No it's not," Allen affirmed, "and the reason is simply because I had to."

"Did you _have_ to take the attack that was meant for me too?" Kanda asked, tone a bit more somber.

"I had a higher chance of surviving it than you," Allen said. It was true, but at the time the only thing running thorugh Allen's head had been Kanda's name. Such rationalizations had come only now that the question had been asked. He wasn't supposed to be feeling anything. His heart wasn't supposed to speed up in fearful apprehension at the thought of the older male dying.

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda muttered shaking his head. How foolish he was to have thought differently.

xXx

"You said to give you one day and I gave you two, I'm going to take you home now," Kanda said looking out the window at the bleak weather, "we have to move quickly, it looks like it's going to rain."

"I'll just make a door," Allen said only for a hand to be placed on his shoulder.

"No," Kanda said sternly, "I won't have you using any more of those Noah abilities, your body can't take it. Your innocence is still recovering from the last time." Kanda's gaze drifted down to the tightly bandaged left arm, heart constricting at the thought of how painful it must've been.

"I'll heal," Allen said staring blankly at Kanda, trying to understand the emotions in his voice and reasons for what he said.

"So you've told me," Kanda said shaking the thoughts from his head, "trust me, I'll get you back safely," Kanda said grabbing his jacket and turning it inside out to hide the fact that he's an exorcist. Nodding mutely Allen tried to sit up, only to sharply intake a breath from the ache in his body.

"Don't make any unnecessary movements," Kanda said as he walked over to Allen, scooping the boy up in his arms and then maneuvering him onto his back. "Your only task is not to let your hood fall off." Slender arms wraped around Kanda's neck loosely and Allen rested his head on Kanda's back, eyes drooping with fatigue.

Allen was only vaguely aware of the fact that he was moving, feeling little more than the excessive warmth radiating from Kanda and the ache in his chest and arm.

xXx

"What the hell happened?" Cross growled angrily as Kanda walked into the house with Allen sleeping soundly on his back.

"Noah, three of them," Kanda scowled, "and we even had a short visit from the Earl. Damn eventful, don't you think?"

"He used those abilities didn't he?" Cross frowned.

"Che, and I suppose _those abilities_ are the ones you neglected to tell me about," Kanda snapped walking past Cross and depositing Allen into his room for the time being.

"You didn't need to know," Cross shrugged as the navy haired male pulled the door shut behind him to limit the amount of noise getting intot he room.

"Bullshit," Kanda hissed, "you sent him with me on a mission issued by the Order. From the moment _you_ put his life in my hands, I needed to know everything." For once Cross didn't feel it appropriate to say anything in retort and watched as the fuming samurai disappeared back into Allen's room.

'Well ain't that something,' Cross thought smirking as he headed through one of the ark gates.

xXx

Allen slept for the rest of the day, by the time he woke up it was almost morning again. Kanda had fallen asleep in the chair beside his bed again and they appeared to have made it back to the house. Slowly sitting up Allen shuffled over to the edge of the bed taking note of the hard features of the older male – even in sleep he was tense.

Reaching a hand out, Allen brushed a strand of navy hair behind Kanda's ear, mimicking the way the samurai had often done with him. He made to retract his had but found he couldn't, having been caught in a steely grip. Cobalt eyes opened, drunk on fatigue and not filly aware of what was going on. Allen simply stared; he hadn't expected the man to be such a light sleeper.

"What is it?" Kanda asked groggily.

"I'm feeling better, you can go if you want," Allen said his eyes a void of warped greys and voice still a bitter emptiness. Allen felt a twinge of something in him, almost regretful for having said what he had when cobalt eyes hardened and narrowed to angry slits.

"I'm not going anywhere," Kanda said, voice cold and biting, "If you think I'd be here if I didn't want to then you're fucking wrong."

"You'll get in trouble," Allen said voice even, gaze firm, "you're a member of the Order, you abandoned your mission when I got injured, and even after getting me back here you still insist on remaining at my side. I'm grateful for what you've done for me, but I don't wish to see you punished because of my weakness."

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda muttered as he shifted closer to the bed and drew Allen into his arms. Allen felt a gentle hum resonating through him, in all of the memories he had this was the first time his innocence didn't scream with sadness. Hesitantly Allen brought his hands up to return the gesture, burying his face in Kanda's neck and breathing in the comforting musky earthen smell that clung to the man's skin – so very grounded and real.

xXx

Two days had passed before Allen was up and about, claiming to be fully healed from the attack. Things fell back into a normal routine of sorts, Allen making tea and going for short walks with Kanda – that was one thing that had changed. Kanda hadn't left, he was still there and though pleased by his presance, Allen couldn't help the wavering feeling tugging at the sinews in his heart, such strange aching feelings that he couldn't name.

_We exist as lust and pleasure and bonds but not love._

'What was that?' Allen thought, white brows knitting together and hands threading in his hair, trying to will away the oncoming headache. The voice had been cold, angry, and almost desperate; where had it come from and why had it invaded his thoughts while he'd been thinking of Kanda?

"Allen," Kanda called as he walked into the boy's room, "are you alright?"

"Just a slight headache," Allen said, not bothering to turn to face the supposed object of his new found problems.

"Maybe you should lie down," Kanda offered moving to Allen side. Allen shook his head, regretting the action as it sent his mind reeling.

"Che, you're too tempting like this," Kanda smirked at the glassy eyed look that had settled on him.

'Tempting...lust?' Allen thought trying to make the connection. He still didn't recognize the emotion he saw in Kanda's eyes when he looked at him like this. There was a deep rooted need, but it was different from the lust he'd seen in other people's eyes.

"Why do you restrain yourself?" Allen asked to which a completely shocked look overcame Kanda's face. Cross desired women and he sought relief from them, it only stood to reason based on his limited knowledge of such feelings that if Kanda wanted him then he would take him in order to sate those wants.

"Do you have any idea what you're asking?" Kanda asked.

"The emotions you feel, I don't understand them," Allen said "you've asked me to _trust_ you, you've shown much _concern _for me, and your eyes tell me you _desire _me. But these things, they don't make sense. The words, they feel empty and it hurts whn I try to match your expressions with them."

"Damn, you're such an idiot," Kanda sighed throwing caution and restraint to the wind. Lips pressed against lips and Kanda pushed Allen back against the wall, small hands tentatively hooking around his neck as the lithe boy trembled at the calloused hands running up his sides.

"You'll never understand if you can't feel it," Kanda mumbled as he broke the kiss, licking his lips in satisfaction that Allen had at least partially taken part in it this time. His blood was already searing trails through his veins, setting his body on fire. Kanda rested his forehead against Allen's shoulder angling his face towards the crook of the boy's neck and sucking on the sensitive skin. The softest gasp escaped Allen's parted lips as Kanda bit into the soft flesh, running his tongue over it to soothe the sting, leaving a blushing red mark on the boy's skin.

"What did you just feel?" Kanda asked "when I bit you?"

"Dizzy, but not nauseaus," Allen mumbled trying to find the right word to describe it, "pleasure?"

"Good," Kanda smirked as he leaned in and repeated the action eliciting another barely audible gasp.

Kanda was hard, a prominent bulge in his pants and a burning need in his abdomen, heat racing to his engorged cock. Allen took note of the hardness of the male's arousal and palmed the front of the Kanda's pants making him hiss at the pleasurable pressure.

"Shall I relieve you?" Allen asked.

"Don't say it so casually," Kanda frowned, "I want to take you, and mark every inch of you as my own. It's nothing as impersonal and casual as relief." That said, Kanda tugged Allen's shirt over his head, tossing it to floor as he continue his trail of kisses, nips and licks from the boy's collar down his chest, stopping to taking a stiffened nipple into his mouth.

Allen's eyes widened at the sensation of Kanda's tongue rolling the pert nub along his tongue, the hands laced behind Kanda tightened instinctively drawing the male closer. A low rumbling chuckle reverberated through Kanda, and Allen could feel it in his tingling skin.

"Was that good for you?" Kanda smirked when the boy nodded and switched to the other nipple, earning him the same reaction. Sliding lower down Allen's body Kanda hooked his thumbs in Allen's pants dragging them down as he knelt in front of the now fully exposed boy. Kanda took a moment simply admiring the milky skin he'd missed since that day Allen had left on a mission he didn't intend to return from.

"That fluttery feeling in your chest and stomach, the feeling that's making it difficult to breathe but you can't seem to quell the burn in," Kanda said as he breathed over the younger male's arousal, "that's desire."

'Desire, this is what it feels like?' Allen thought through his foggy mind.

"And this," Kanda turned his attention to the stiff organ, running a finger up the length to the tip, "this is your excitement as a result of that desire."

One last look up at Allen's flushed features and glossy cloud colored eyes and Kanda was smirking into the organ he'd engulfed in his mouth. A beautiful little whimper escaped Allen as his body trembled from the sensation. Kanda was enjoying finding out what kinds of sounds he could pull from those pale pink lips. Running his tongue up the underside of the boy's cock elicited a low groan, and grazing his teeth over the slit drew out a gasp and the boy's body would tense up ever so slightly.

A few moments later Kanda felt the boy's body tense, his breathing becoming short pants and he knew he was at his limit.

"What you're feeling now, the pressure here," Kanda said hands gently cuping the boy's balls, slowly massaging the flesh and tugging some delicious little mewls from Allen, "and the stiffening here," Kanda traced his other hand up Allen's length in a deliberately slow motion, "can you tell me what it is?"

"Please," Allen whimpered mind hazy with need, "need to cum, please."

"Not yet, love," Kanda said, unable to contain his grin at hearing that breathy voice begging. Standing up, Kanda hoisted Allen up, legs wraping around his waist as he walked over to the bed with his panting lover.

Once he'd laid Allen down on the bed, Kanda caressed teasingly up the inside of the creamy thighs as he spread them. The body beneath him trembled, at the peak of his pleasure but without the desired release. Allen's half lidded eyes snapped open as a finger probed at his entrance, pushing past the tight ring of muscle into him. The sensation made his mouth hand open in a silent gasp, trying to suck in the air he'd somehow forgotten to breathe in.

Kanda smirked as he leaned down pressing a kiss to Allen's weeping cock as he pushed the second finger in quickly followed by the third in his dwindling patience. Curling his fingers Kanda grinned triumphantly as Allen bucked off the bed vocie catching in his throat at the hight of pleasure that exploded in him, dragging him ever closer to his desired release.

'Found it,' Kanda thought as he pulled his fingers out of the now frustrated younger male. One more brush of the boy's prostate and he'd have been cumming, and he couldn't allow that without first penetrating him.

"Please, don't stop," Allen whimpered softly once he'd found his voice, "I need you...so close...so very clo-" Allen was cut off by lips against his own.

"Alright, _Allen_," Kanda breathed against the boy's ear, spreading the boy's legs and hooking one over his shoulder to give him a better angle. Allen's whole body tensed and shuddered as Kanda pushed against his entrance, slowly sinking forward until the head passed the ring of muscle. Allen's arms tightened around Kanda's neck as his body instinctively fought against the intrusion. Kanda stopped for a moment to look at the boy's face.

Panting, flushed, sweat on his brow, and glassy desire filled eyes. Allen was a vision of eroticism, completely gorgeous and sexy beyond belief. In one hard jerk of his hips, Kanda sheathed himself completely, wrenching a scream from the smaller body that arched his back off the bed in his high, pearly white cum painting both of their stomachs.

Allen gasped at the feeling of being filled so intimately, it was like nothing he could recall feeling and yet it felt so very right to have Kanda lodged deep inside of him. Kanda groaned at the delicious heat drawing him deeper from the constricting muscles, trying to milk him of his cum. It had been far too long.

Once Allen's body had stopped twitching, Kanda pulled out before pushing back in and began a slow rhythm, building up the boy's arousal as he increased his speed.

'He's quieter than he used to be,' Kanda registered absently as he took pleasure in every bit of fragmented emotion to cross his lover's face.

"Nngh, Ka..n...Ka..n..ghaa..." Allen panted as Kanda pushed into him over and over; brushing up against the boy's prostate and making him see stars. Heat was churning in Allen's abdomen, tightening in his erection again, and from the frantically erratic pace that Kanda was drilling into him at, he was sure that he felt it too.

"Yuu," Kanda groaned as he felt Allen's muscles constrict around him, dragging him deeper into that heat, "call me Yuu."

"Yuu," Allen breathed out testing the name on his tongue, it tasted so sweet, made that fluttery desire expand in his chest.

"God yes, Allen," Kanda groaned, as he tore into the smaller body, raming headlong into the boy's prostate as he came.

"Yuu!" Allen cried out, mind going blank for a moment as the jets of cum spurting directly at his prostate tipped him over the edge and he came for the second time, legs twitching from the heightened sensations.

Kanda collapsed against Allen, breathing heavily as they slowly came down from their post-orgasmic high.

"What you're feeling now," Kanda murmured as he rolled to the side of his young lover, drawing his body against his, "do you know what it is?"

"Bliss?" Allen breathed, the heady scent of Kanda and sex leaving his mind a fuzzy mess.

"That's right," Kanda murmured as he buried his nose in Allen's snowy locks, breathing in deeply of the musky smell with contentment.

xXx

Kanda woke with Allen asleep in his arms. That night he'd held Allen had been nice, but he'd wanted to hold his lover like this much more. He wished he'd never have to let go.

"I love you Allen," Kanda whispered as he tightened his hold around the boy's waist not knowing said boy was awake.

'What is this? It hurts so much and yet I crave it...why? Is it love? Is that what this painfully familiar feeling is?' Allen moved a hand over Kanda's startling the older male.

'Shit, he's awake!'

Kanda wasn't sure how Allen would take his confession, the boy still didn't remember what they had been to each other and the last time he'd said he loved him he'd snapped into pained hysterics. Kanda made to pull back a bit but stopped when Allen's smaller hand gripped him tightly.

"Again," Allen whispered.

"What?"

"Say it again." Unsure Kanda turned his hand lacing his fingers with Allen's.

"I love you Allen," Kanda said waiting for the eruption that never came.

He could feel it...that dull aching in his chest, the throbbing pain in his innocence and head that threatened to rip him in two. Drawing strength from the hand holding his, Allen craned his neck to look back at Kanda. He was beautiful and warm and Allen had felt things because of this man – painful and frightening things – things that he wanted to continue experiencing until he died.

"Then don't let go."

xXx

"I don't give a damn about the Order," Kanda growled, "I have no reason to go back there."

"You really are a fool," Cross said watching Allen run about in the kitchen making lunch. The changes were slight but it was obvious to anyone who looked, that Allen wasn't as dead as he had been just a few short months ago. Even without memories and without the whole range of human emotions, he was acting more like his old self. "What happens when they come looking for you?"

"Che, they looked for him for months," Kanda said gesturing to Allen, "they'd looked for you for years until you decided to play dead. They'll look for me for a couple months and it'll be over."

"Froi really has some stubborn brats," Cross muttered as he took a long drag from his cigarette. Kanda huffed at his general's name but said nothing. "You'll do what you want even if I tell you otherwise so as long as you're here, look out for that little troublemaker over there will you."

"As if I needed you to tell me that," Kanda bristled as his gaze traveled across to the room to _his_ Moyashi.

xXx

He didn't know how it happened, how he'd ended up clutching at his lover's broken body, all too reminiscent of the incident a month ago. He couldn't recall how they'd come across exorcists from the Black Order fighting desperately against the group of Noah – a war? No, more like a slaughter. Finders and new accomodators already dead and littering the battlefield.

He didn't remember when they'd joined the battle, or the expressions of their once commrades as they noted the presance of two of their lost friends. He didn't know when the Earl had showed up, and he sure as hell couldn't understand why it was that everything was screaming around him as he noted the Earl's fallen sword and the singed top hat rolling by, the stocky man nowhere to be seen – dead or alive he didn't know, but he hoped it was the former.

He didn't hear the voices of the people who'd been Allen's friend, nor could he hear the debate between them and the generals that were present thinking about procedure and whether or not to report to central about the situation. Kanda's world was narrowed solely down to the fragile boy lying in front of him.

"Stay with me Allen," Kanda said urgently as he wadded up his coat and pressed it firmly to the wound in Allen's torso. The gasping boy registered no fear even as he felt something in him telling him if this persists he was going to die.

"It's alright, you don't have to worry about-" Allen stopped short as he was over come by spasms, coughing up blood and bile.

"Baka!" Kanda hissed tears of frustration beginning to streak down his cheeks. 'I can't lose you again.'

"You're crying," Allen said a trembling hand reaching up and thumbing away a tear. Kanda's eyes widened it was definitely something Allen would do, not the empty Allen but _his _Allen. The pale hand retracted as Allen looked at Kanda, "why?"

"Why the fuck do you think?" Kanda snapped applying more pressure to the wound hoping desperately that the blood would clot. "I won't allow you to leave again. I should have told you before, so many times before, since that day in the church. I should have told you how much you meant to me, should have made you stay. I love you Allen Walker, even without your memories, you are still the boy that I fell for and are still the boy that I intend to spend whatever's left of my damned existence with."

"It hurts," Allen said dulled eyes falling to Kanda's lips, the place from which many stiff and condescending remarks had come from and the same place where the declaration of something unfathomable to Allen had come from.

"I know it hurts, but you can't give in, stay with me," Kanda said "I refuse to let you die."

"No, that's not…here," Allen said lifting a hand over his rapidly beating heart "it hurts here, when you speak like that."

"You still love me," Kanda said with a smirk, "that's what it means."

"I don't know how I know, but I know that you don't say things like this," Allen said forcing himself into a sitting position, hands trembling to support his weight.

"Don't mo-" Kanda's eyes widened as lips pressed against his.

"If you're satisfied with me…maybe…maybe I could fight a little bit longer," Allen said a slight turning of his lips painted a ghost of a smile on his face.

Can a Noah love? It's debatable isn't it? Love, desire, admiration...are there some boundaries that can be crossed if one wishes hard enough? If one suffers long enough? Can a Noah love? Maybe not, but then again, Allen Walker isn't defined by such things.

_Quid pro quo – one thing in return for another; something that is given or taken in return for something else – what had he lost? What had he gained? A lover from a friend, a new life from the loss of an old one...it's doesn't always have to be a bad thing._

_End_

* * *

A/N: I finally finished! I'm sorry it took me so long, I hope it isn't disappointing. The ending was a bitch to write, I rewrote it five times beore I decided this way was the most satisfying. I know it's kind of open ended, what with Allen being wounded on the battlefield and the generals arguing over what to do, but the focus was meant to be on Allen. In one of the endings I drafted out I continued a bit after but it detracted from the effect I wanted in the ending.

This chapter was considerably less angsty than the last, but I hope the detachment and gradual progression into something akin to feeling was evident. Kanda's character was bit difficult to write this time around, trying to keep him in character while getting him to say and do things that were perhaps a little too honest for his personality was quite the challenge, but I hope I managed to pull it off.

Exams are in a little over a week. My goal was to finish this story around the middle of the month and then get the other one I'm working on for the end of the month but clearly that didn't happen. Once again sorry for the long wait, I hope it was worth it.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


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